  Look out for the man whose face shows it pains him to say “Good Morning.” Never be afraid to trust the man whose dog meets him with a bound. The mad rush to join the appendicitis club and sing in the choir invisible has lost its popularity, both for the good of posterity and the pocket book. Some people take a great deal of liberty with the English language, when they speak of work. Stick to the boys who borrow a five occasionally and It’s cheaper to buy your coal from your regular dealer and take short weight, than to steal it from the railroad and pay court costs. It’s an ice cold fact that the fellow who is continually condemning others’ faults and pointing with pride to his own great meritable achievements, is not entitled to a premium for sincerity. It’s often the sour, surly looking man that goes down in his pocket and gives you his last quarter, when hunger is beating a fast tattoo against your breastworks. Because a man joins the church and becomes a pious and strict respecter of Sunday observance, don’t cast all caution aside and let him sell you gold mine stock on Monday, unless you know something about the mine. Some men tell you the wonderful things they have done from the corner store dry goods box and then let their wives earn the living over the wash tub. Many a man has nearly grasped St. Peter’s hand, when his wife’s razor edged tongue drove him clean down to perdition. The fellow who is always harping hypocrite and hurling cheap invectives against the church isn’t the man to arouse confidence, the only one he helps is the devil. Take away profanity from some men’s conversation and you haven’t enough left to know what they said. When a man buys an Auto or a Ford on credit and lets the whiskers grow on his coal bill they say he’s got the fever. I don’t think it could be the brain kind. If money and whiskey would lose their influence in the courts, juries and legislatures would go to sleep and jail doors rust on their hinges. When the Lord turns his X rays upon the people, the churches will fill so rapidly that Easter bonnets and dress suits can be picked up anywhere. I know a wealthy man by the name of Moore who never was satisfied. Obituaries are not a safe guide to the real truth. Recollections become dim on the witness stand. It’s better to faint in the arms of truth and die in poverty than to lie for the lap of luxury and die disgraced. A drunken man’s breath is preferable to the wagging tongue of a gossip. Any man could live with a woman who has the patience to bathe in a wash tub twenty-one inches in diameter for seventeen years without complaining. Marry in haste and repent in alimony. It’s a sad fact that many a man has missed his calling and there is elegant material for day laborers among the professions and vice versa. If it wasn’t for $$$ a great many people would be wearing the stripes. Some men are so economical they go without socks to buy whiskey. If some women were better cooks there would be less dyspepsia and fewer divorces. If too many cooks spoil the broth, could too many church denominations spoil the man? The longer you use the Christ-like religion the better you like it and the better it makes you. The man who makes careless remarks about women does not possess the fine attributes of a gentleman. If religion cost money, how some church members with bible names would grab for their purses when the lights go out. Religion and sympathy cost nothing, but you’d think they were diamonds the way some people use them. The first marriage is for love, the second for convenience, and the third a cold business proposition. Don’t try for a four-bagger. The cleanliness of the tea towel is a safe criterion to a good house-keeper. The great jewel “Consistency” cannot be bought with money. Some people are so hard hearted, onions would have no effect at a funeral. If you don’t like the taste of life’s medicine, be your own doctor and change the ingredients. If some weak-kneed marshals and sheriffs would do their duty, there would be less bootleggers. Some women join the ladies’ aid and use the lemon extravagantly. Many a woman can hardly keep from yelling “Hallelujah” when her husband dies. If some mothers don’t spend more time with their children and less with politics this country will be over-run with pick-pockets. If all mis-mated marriages were suddenly annulled, it wouldn’t take an expert mathematician to count those left in wedlock. If it wasn’t for their money, thousands of women would leave their husbands. Whiskey has killed more men than all the surgeons. Lay the rod on the child before he gets too strong. Better be a lady waiting than marry a sot. Honesty stops millions from becoming millionaires. Women born in Alaska seldom get married; too long in cold storage. The undertaker’s sympathy never interferes with his profits; he gets the last crack at you and you can’t kick. Many a woman, who never had an extra pair of hosiery at home, loses sight of economy, after her marriage, and plunges into extravagance so heedlessly that her husband gives up in discouragement. Live within your means, but don’t borrow money to do it. Spend your money when you are young, if you want to spend your old age in the poor house. Put a strong proviso in your deed before you turn it over to your children, if you expect to buy your own tobacco. The boy who criticizes his father’s depleted finances on account of hardships and honest failures, should be bodily removed into the open air with the same amount of clothes he had when he was born and let the thermometer show forty degrees below zero. A court or jury that will convict a man for Many a rock-ribbed democrat votes for a Republican, if there is something in it. The tramp, with his back against the water tank, studies as hard on his side of the problem of existence as does the fellow with greater resources, who is up against it. The man who can fulfill the bible by taking the slap on both sides of the cheek is seven parts lamb and one part Irish. The difference between a cackling hen and Trust in God but look out for everybody else. The man that totes a whiskey blossom on the end of his flue carries a cheap add for the devil. Don’t worry over the sport that can smoke twenty cigarettes a day. The girl that marries the man to reform him has a SAD lesson to learn. A good excuse saves lots of lying. |
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