Crapulia is a very fair and large territory, which on the north is bounded with the Æthiopic Ocean, on the east with Laconia and Viraginia, on the south by Moronia Felix, and westward with the Tryphonian Fens. It lies in that part of the universe where is bred the monstrous bird called Ruc, that for its prey will bear off an elephant in its talons; and is described by the modern geographers.

The soil is too fruitful, and the heavens too serene; so that I have looked upon them with a silent envy, not without pity, when I considered they were blessings so little deserved by the inhabitants. It lies in seventy-four degrees of longitude, and sixty degrees of latitude, and eleven degrees distant from the Cape of Good Hope; and lies, as it were, opposite to the whole coast of Africa. It is commonly divided into two provinces, Pamphagonia and Ivronia, the former of which is of the same length and breadth as Great Britain (which I hope will not be taken as any reflection), the other is equal to the High and Low Dutch Lands. Both obey the same prince, are governed by the same laws, and differ very little in their habit or their manners.

CHAPTER II.

phagonia; or, Glutton's Paradise.

Pamphagonia is of a triangular figure, like that of ancient Egypt, or the Greek letter delta, Δ. It is mountainous, inclosed with very high hills; its soil is of the richest, so that birds which come thither to feed, if they tarry but three months, grow so very fat and weighty, that they cannot fly back again over the mountains, but suffer themselves to be taken up in the hand, and are as delicious as the ortolan or the beccaficos of the Italians. And it is no wonder to them who know that geese in Scotland are generated from leaves fallen into the water, and believe the testimony of one of our ambassadors, that in the north-east parts of the world lambs grow upon stalks like cabbages and eat up the grass all around about them, to find the same sort of provisions in this country. Besides, the fish upon that coast are in such plenty, and so voracious (whether they conform themselves to the genius of the place and people, or presage to themselves the honour of so magnificent a sepulchre as was given to Nero's turbot), that, as soon as the hook is cast in, they press to it as the ghosts in Lucian did to Charon's boat, and cling to the iron as miners do to a rope that is let down when the light of their candle forbodes some malignant exhalation.

The sea-ports, with which this country abounds more than any other, are of no other use than to receive and take in such things as are edible, which they have for their superfluous wool and hides: nor may the inhabitants export anything that has the least relation to the palate. You see nothing there but fruit-trees. They hate plains, limes, and willows, as being idle and barren, and yielding nothing useful but their shade. There are hops, pears, plums, and apples, in the hedge-rows, as there is in all Ivronia; from whence the Lombards, and some counties in the west of England, have learned their improvements. In ancient times, Frugonia, or the Land of Frugality, took in this country as one of its provinces; and histories tell us, that, in Saturn's time, the Frugonian princes gave laws to all this part of the world, and had their palace there; and that their country was called Fagonia, from the simplicity of their diet, which consisted only in beech-mast. But that yoke has been long ago shaken off; their manners are wholly changed, and, from the universality of their food, they have obtained, in their own country language, the title of Pamphagones.

CHAPTER III.

The First Province of Pamphagonia.

Friviandy, or Tight-bittia (that we may take the provinces in their order), were it not for a temperament peculiar to the place, is rather of the hottest to produce those who are properly called good trencher-men. Its utmost point, which other geographers call the Promontory of the Terra Australis, is of the same latitude as the most southerly parts of Castile, and is about forty-two degrees distant from the equator. The inhabitants have curled hair and dusky complexions, and regard more the delicacy than the largeness and number of their dishes. In this very promontory, which we shall call the black one from its colour (for it is a very smoky region, partly from the frequent vapours of the place, partly from its vicinity to the Terra del Fogo, which, by the common consent of geographers, lies on the right hand of it, but rather nearer than they have placed it), is the city Lucina, whose buildings are lofty, but apt to be smoky and offensive to the smell; from whence a colony went, perhaps, as far as the Indies, where it remains to this day by the name of Cochin-China.

Here is the famous temple of the great deity Omasius Gorgut, or Gorbelly. It is a vast pile, and contains a thousand hearths, and as many altars, which are constantly employed in the Rucal Festivals. In the midst is a high pyramid, as lofty as the hand of man can erect it, little inferior to those of Memphis. It is called the Cheminean Tower. This, rising high, gives the signal of war to the adjoining countries: for, as we by beacons lighted upon a high hill discover the danger of an approaching enemy, so these, on the contrary, do the same by letting their smoke cease and their fires go out: for, when the perpetual vapour ceases to roll forth in thick and dark clouds of smoke, it is a token that the Hambrians are drawing nearer, than whom there can be no enemy more terrible to this nation. There are several smaller towns, that lie under the dominion of this supreme city. Charbona is the largest village, and, what is seldom seen elsewhere, lies all under ground. Upon its barren soil arises another, though of less note, called Favillia. After these lies Tenaille, a narrow town, and BatillÛ, a broad one, both considerable. On the left are some subservient petty hamlets, as Assadora, Marmitta, Culliera, as useful for the reception of strangers, amongst which, that of Marmitta is watered by the river Livenza; which, as is said of a fountain in the Peak of Derby, boils over twice in four-and-twenty hours.

CHAPTER IV.

The Second Province of Pamphagonia.

Next to this is the Golosinian district, the most pleasant part of Pamphagonia, covered with dates, almonds, figs, olives, pomegranates, oranges, citrons, and pistaches; through which run the smoothest of streams, called the Oglium. Here is the beautiful city of Marzapane, with noble turrets glittering with gold, but lying too open to the enemy. Over it hang the Zucker hills, out of whose bowels they draw something that is hard, white, and sparkling, but sweet as that moisture which the ancients gathered out of the reeds which grew in Arabia and the Indies. You shall find few people here, who are grown up, but what have lost their teeth, and have stinking breaths. Near to this is the little city Seplasium, which admits of no tradesmen but perfumers. It is a town of great commerce with the people of Viraginia, especially the Locanians, who use to change their looking-glass with them for oils and pastils. The agreeableness of the place, and the bounty of the heavens, is favourable to their art; for the whole track of land, at certain seasons, is covered with aromatic comfits, that fall like hail-stones: which Anathumiasis I take to be essentially the same as that aerial honey which we often find upon our oaks, especially in the spring, and that it differs only in thickness; for whereas that honey is sprinkled in drops, the little globules are hardened by the intense cold of the middle region, and rebound in falling.

CHAPTER V.

Of the Third Province of Pamphagonia.

In the fifty-fifth degree, we come into the plains of Lecania, and so into the very heart of Pamphagonia, where the chief city we meet with is Cibinium, which is washed with the acid streams of the river Assagion. In the forum, or market-place, is the tomb (as I conjecture by the footsteps of some letters now remaining) of Apicius, that famous Roman, not very beautiful, but antique. It is engraved upon the shell of a sea-crab; and it might happen, notwithstanding what Seneca says, that this famous epicure, after having sought for larger shell-fish than the coast of Gallia could supply him with, and then going in vain to Africa to make a farther inquiry, might hear some rumour concerning this coast, steer his course thither, and there die of a surfeit. But this I leave to the critics. Here I shall only mention the most fertile fields of Lardana and Ossulia. The delicious situation of Mortadella, the pleasantest of places, had wonderfully delighted me, had it not been for the salt-works which often approach too near it. There is an offensive stinking town called Formagium, alias Butterboxia, and Mantica, a boggy place near the confines of Ivronia.

I hasten to the metropolis of the whole region, which, whether you respect the uniformity of the building, the manners of the people, or their way of living, their rules for behaviour, their law and justice, will show as much as if I were to descend to particulars.

CHAPTER VI.

Of the Metropolis of Pamphagonia, and the Customs of the Inhabitants.

There are but very few villages in this country, as well as in some others; from whence a traveller may conjecture, that the country towns are devoured by the cities, which are not so many in number as they are large and populous; of which the mother and governess is called Artocreopolis. The report goes, that in ancient times there were two famous cities, Artopolis and Creatium, which had many and long contests about the superiority: for so it happens to places, as well as men, that increase in power; insomuch as the two most flourishing Universities in the world (to both of which I bear the relation of a son, though I am more peculiarly obliged to one of them for my education), notwithstanding they are sisters, could not abstain from so ungrateful a contention.

Artopolis boasted of its antiquity, and that it had flourished in the Saturnian age, when it had as yet no rival. Creatium set forth its own splendour, pleasantness, and power. At last, a council being called, Creatium got the preference by the universal votes of the assembly; for such is the iniquity of the times, that though the head be covered with grey hairs, yet nothing is allowed to the reverence of antiquity, when encountered by a proud and upstart novelty. The other city is now so far neglected, that the ruins or footsteps of its magnificence are scarce remaining, any more than of Verulam, as is most elegantly set forth by our noble poet Spenser in his verses on that subject; the latter usurping the name of the other, as well as the other has now the double title of Artocreopolis. The city is more extensive than beautiful: it is fortified with a large and deep ditch of running water, which washes almost all the streets, wherein are a thousand several ponds for fish; upon which swim ducks, geese, swans, and all sorts of water-fowl, which has been wisely imitated by the people of Augsburg. This ditch is called Gruessa. There are two walls, whose materials were furnished by the flesh-market; for they are made of bones, the larger serving for the foundations, the lesser for the superstructure, whilst the smallest fill up what is wanting in the middle; being all cemented with the whites of eggs, by a wonderful artifice. The houses are not very beautiful, nor built high after the manner of other cities; so that there is no need of an Augustus to restrain the buildings to the height of seventy feet, as was done at Rome; nor is there room for a Seneca or Juvenal to complain of the multitude of their stairs and number of their stories.

They have no regard for staircases; for indeed none of the citizens care for them, partly from the trouble of getting up them (especially when, as they often do, they have drunk heartily) as much as for the danger of getting down again. Their houses are all covered with large blade-bones, very neatly joined together. There are no free citizens admitted, but such whose employment has more immediately some relation to the table. Husbandmen, smiths, millers, and butchers, live in their colonies, who, when they have a belly of an unwieldy bulk, are promoted to be burgesses; to which degree none were anciently admitted but cooks, bakers, victuallers, and the gravest senators, who are chosen here, as in other places, not for their prudence, riches, or length of beard; but for their measure, which they must come up to yearly if they will pretend to bear any office in the public. As any one grows in dimensions, he rises in honour; so that I have seen some who, from the meanest and most contemptible village, have, for their merits, been promoted to a more famous town, and at last obtained the senatorial dignity in this most celebrated city: and yet, when by some disease (as it often happens), or by age, they have grown leaner than they are allowed to be by the statutes, have lost their honour, together with the bulk of their carcass. Their streets were paved with polished marble; which seemed strange amongst a people so incurious, both because the workmanship was troublesome, and there might be danger in its being slippery. But the true reason of it was, that they might not be forced to lift their feet higher than ordinary by the inequality of the pavement, and likewise that the chairs of the senators might the more easily be pushed forward; for they never go on foot, or on horseback, nor even in a coach, to the exchange, or their public feasts, because of their weight; but they are moved about in great easy elbow-chairs, with four wheels to them, and continue sitting so fixed, in the same posture, snoring and flabbering till they are wheeled home again.

At the four gates of the city, whose form is circular, there sit in their turns as many senators, who are called Buscadores. These carefully examine all who come in and go out, those that go out, lest they should presume by chance to do it fasting, which they can easily judge of by the extent of their bellies, and the matter being proved, they are fined in a double supper: those that come in, to see what they bring with them upon their return; for they must neither depart with empty stomachs, nor come back with empty hands. Every month, according to the laws, which they unwillingly transgress, there are stated feasts, at which all the senators are obliged to be present, that after dinner (for no person can give his vote before he has dined) they may deliberate concerning the public affairs. The name of their common-hall is Pythanoscome. Every one knows his own seat, and his conveniences and a couch to repose upon when the heat of their wine and seasoned dainties incline them to it. Their greatest delicacies are served up at the first course; for they think it foolish not to eat the best things with the greatest appetite: nor do they cut their boars, sheep, goats, and lambs into joints or quarters, as commonly we do, but convey them whole to table, by the help of machines, as I remember to have read in Petronius Arbiter. They are fineable who rise before they have set six hours; for then the edge of their stomach is blunted. They eat and drink so leisurely, for the same reason as the famous Epicure of old wished that his neck were as long as a crane's. They measure the seasonable time for their departure after this method: they have a door to their town-house, which is wide enough for the largest man to enter when he is fasting: through this the guests pass; and when any one would depart, if he stops in this passage, he is trusted to go out at another door; but if it be as easy as if he were fasting, the master of the ceremonies makes him tarry till he comes to be of a statutable magnitute: after which example, Willfrid's needle in Belvior Castle was a pleasant trial of Roman Catholic sanctity. They have gardens of many acres extent, but not like those of Adonis or AlcinoÜs; for nothing delightful is to be expected in them, neither order, nor regularity of walk, nor grass-plots, nor variety of flowers in the borders: but you will find all planted with cabbages, turnips, garlick, and musk-melons, which were carried hence to Italy, and are in quantity sufficient to feast an hundred Pythagoreans.

There is a public college, or hospital, whither they are sent who have got the dropsy, gout, or asthma, by their eating and drinking; and there they are nourished at the public expense. As for such as have lost their teeth by their luxury, or broken them by eating too greedily or incautiously, they are provided for in the island of Sorbonia. All the richer sort have several servants, in the nature of vassals, to cultivate their gardens, and be employed in inferior offices, who have their liberty when they can arrive at such a bulkiness. If any of the grandees of the country die of a surfeit, he is given, as being all made up of the most exquisite dainties, to be eaten up by his servants; and this they do that nothing should be lost that is so delicate. The men are thick and fat to a miracle; nor will any one salute another whose chin does not come to the midst of his breast, and his paunch falls to his knees. The women are not unlike them, and in shape resemble the Italians, and have breasts like the Hottentots. They go almost naked, having no regard to their garments. The magistrates and persons of better figure have gowns made of the skins of such beasts as they have eaten at one meal. All wear a knife, with a large spoon, hanging upon their right arm. Before their breasts they wear a smooth skin, instead of a napkin, to receive what falls out of their mouths, and to wipe them upon occasion; which whether it be more black or greasy, is hard to determine.

They are of a very slow apprehension, and no way fit for any science; but yet understand such arts as they have occasion for. Their schools are public-houses, where they are educated in the sciences of eating, drinking, and carving; over which, one Archisilenius, an exquisite Epicure, was then provost, who, instead of grammar, read some fragments of Apicius. Instead of a library, there is a public repository of drinking-vessels, in which cups of all orders and sizes are disposed into certain classes. Cups and dishes are instead of books. The younger scholars have less, the elder have greater; one has a quart, the other a pottle, the other a gallon: this has a hen, that a goose, a third a lamb or a porker: nor have they any liberty, or recess, till the whole is finished; and if by a seven years' stuffing they are no proficients in fatness, are presently banished into the Fancetic Islands; nor are they suffered long to stay there idle and without improvement. Hither likewise are sent all physicians who prescribe a course of diet to any person. When any one is sick, without recourse to Æsculapius, they make him eat radish, and drink warm water; which, according to Celsus, will purge and vomit him. Venison is that which they most delight in; but they never take it in hunting, but by nets and gins. They look upon the swine as the most profitable and best of all animals; whether it is for the likeness of its manners, as being good for nothing but the table, or else from its growing fat on the sudden with the worst of nutriment. It may not seem credible, yet parsimony appears in the midst of their profuseness: but then it is very ill placed, for it is in crumbs, bones, and crusts. They do not so much as keep any dogs, cats, hawks, or anything that eats flesh. If any person suffer meat to stink, he is impaled; but venison and rabbits are to have the haut-gout: and then their cheese is kept till it is overrun with little animals, which they devour with mustard and sugar. This is an odd sort of custom, derived from the Dutch.

The country abounds with rivers, which ebb and flow according to their digestion, and generally overflow at the beginning of January, and towards the end of February, and do mischief to the neighbouring country.

CHAPTER VII.

Of the Wars of the Pamphagonians.

The Pamphagones have perpetual wars with the Hambrians, or the Fancetic Islands, and the Frugonians.

CÆtera desunt.

THE END.

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