Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce

very well known—

[75.] Actors Names.

Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches.

Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin.

1. Hunt. Why, what's the matter?

Bump. Nay, I know not; but every day my great Guts, and my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as passes, and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my heart, and make me queasie-stomacht.

1. Hunt. Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble?

Bump. Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee, if my case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in love.

1. Hunt. With whom?

Bump. With any body; but I cannot find out the way how to be in Love.

1. Hunt. Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melancholly?

Bump. Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse; I could even find it in my heert to cry presently.

1. Hunt. Canst thou sleep well?

Bump. I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep.

1. Hunt. Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to be in love.

Bump. I would it were not possible, on the condition thou wert hang'd and quartered.

1. Hunt. I thank you, Sir. But Bumpkin list to me; This day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to sport, and revel it about the May pole: Present thy self there, tell thy cause of grief, and I dare warrant thee a Sweet-heart presently.

Bump. If thou cans't do that, Ile marry her first and learn to love her afterwards.

1. Hunt. Hast hither, Bumpkin I'le go on before

(Exit)

Bump. And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty: that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog-Keeper to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man so comely of person, and having such a pure complexion, that all fair Ladies may be ashamed to look on me, and that I should be distressed for a Sweet-heart? Maypole I come.
And if the Wenches there encrease my pains
And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains.

(Exit)

Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches.

2. Co. Wench. Is it possible would Bumpkin be in love?

1. Hunt. Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have undertaken to become his Doctor: For at the May Pole meeting 'tis decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, come what will on't.

3. Co. Wench. Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a Farewel to Misfortune.

(Exit)

Enter Bumpkin.

Bump. That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist a woile, and hear my doleful Tale.

1. Co. Wench. He'l make us cry sure.

Bump. Be it known unto all men by these presents——

2. Co. Wench. An Obligation, we will be no witnesses.

Bump. Why then I'le hang my self.

3. Co. Wench. We will be witness then.

Bump. What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it.—Where's your promise now?

1. Hunt. You have not yet exprest yourself; be plain, tell them your grief; a remedy will follow.

Bump. If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that I am in love—with somebody.

2. Co. Wench. Would I were she.

Bump. Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it.

2. Co. Wench. Why then, you are my own.

3. Co. Wench. Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday.

(They all hang about him)

Bump. Yes, marry did she

(Goes to her).

1. Co. Wench. But I was she that won him at the May pole.

2. Co. Wench. Was that the Cause you strove so for the Garland.

Bump. What's that to you? (Goes to her.)
Would I had any of them in quietness.

3. Co. Wench. But yet I must have share.

1. Co. Wench. So must I too.

(All pull him)

2. Co. Wench. I will not part without the better half.

Bump. Then who shall have me whole? what—are you mad?

3. Co. Wench. Theres reason for a madness in this Case.

1. Co. Wench. I will not loose my right. Let go, I say.

2. Co. Wench. He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing.

Bump. Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me? Now by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, I'le drown myself for spight, that you may perish.

(Horn)

1. Hunt. Hark, hark, my Lord Acteons warning piece; That Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this day in hunting: Bumpkin why stay you? the hounds will quarrel with you: we'l come after.

1. Co. Wench. Will you not stay, my Love?

Bump. I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own proper Carcase.

(Exit)

2. Co. Wench. Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward.

2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray.

3. Co. Wench. Quick as you will; the doing of it quick, makes it shew the better.

(A Country Dance. Then Exeunt.)

Enter Acteon and Bumpkin.

Acteon. Be nimble, Sirrah.

Bump. Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to purpose: if Love be such a troublesome Companion I will entreat him to keep out of my Company.

Acteon. We consume the day.

Bump. They have saved me a labour.

Acteon. Fie, what mean you? The glory of the day calls us to action.

1. Hunt. Sir, you may please to know, that yesternight I lodged a boar within the neighbouring Forest.

Bump. Yes, Sir, and I lodged a Fox at a house hard by.