Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tapsters, Ale Drapers; and all the rest of the Society of Drunkard Makers, by filling their drink in false Flaggons, Pimping Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and short Quarterns, To the Grand Abuse of the Society of Good Fellowship.
Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching;
Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching.
Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.
[124.]All you yt are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall,
And Tapsters wherever you be,
Be sure you be ready to come at my call,
And your Knavery here you shall see.
A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd,
To Challenge you out if you dare,
A very sharp Tryal you're like to find,
Although it be at your own Bar.
Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide,
But times are so wondrous hard,
That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd,
Of our Measure we have been debar'd.
But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves)
And lay you open to view,
It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves)
And tell you no more than is true.
If in a cold Morning we chance to come,
And bid a Good Morrow, my Host,
And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots
Yet scarce will afford us a Toast.
For those yt drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here,
Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have,
Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part,
And yt makes my Hostis go brave.
But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use,
Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief,
For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose,
Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.
Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on,
We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth,
Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink,
Far worser than North Country Cloth.
When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys,
The tickling Cans they run round,
Pray tak't in good part, for a Winchester Quart238
Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound.
Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs,
Are ready whene're you do call,
A P— take his Trade, such Measure that's made,
I wish that old Nick had them all.
When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel,
And call for some Nance239 of the best,
Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot,
For now they are all in request.
Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty,
But still they are all for the Pinch;
Thus, every day they drive Custom away,
And force us good-Fellows to flinch,
Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay,
Though seldom he did it before;
With Marlborough Cholke you his patience provoke,
Whenever he clears off his score.
The women likewise which are not precise,
But will take a Cup of the best,
Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure
Or else you shall have little rest.
There's Billings-gate Nan, all her whole gang,
Complaining for want of their due;
True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar,
For they'l drink till their Noses look blew.
A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast,
Of things that are out of their reach;
So long as a Groat remains in the Coat,
They over good Liquor will preach.
In Shoo Makers Row there's true hearts you know,
But give them their Measure and weight,
They'l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur,
And Tope it from Morning till Night.
Then there's honest Smug yt with a full jug
Will set all his Brains in a float;
But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots,
Will scarce quench yt spark in his Throat.
With many such Blades, of several Trades,
Which freely their Money will spend;
But fill them good drink, they value not chink
Wherever they meet with a friend.
Most Trades in ye Nation gives their approbation,
How that you are much for to blame;
Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses,
And fill up your Measure for shame.
FINIS.
[26.] Certain Townsmen of Prisal, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words, called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be Malt. The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.
There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, viz M. A. L. T. These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.
The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To the Text.
An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant; The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.
The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T. Thrift.
The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, viz M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L. Lamentation. T. Trouble.
I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All; and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment.
By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were between Hawk and Buzzard,240 nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.
[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.
[110.] Maister Hobson being still very good to poore and most bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister Hobson having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister Hobson had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever he got, so this at last was Maister Hobsons guift, who gave commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans were but easie, but Master Hobsons mans were very sound ones, so that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish his masters bounty.
[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the Moon, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack; whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a little admiring,241 as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them, The Man in the Moon drinks Claret.242 The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved to be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon.
"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret,
With powder-beef, turnep, and carret;
If he doth so, why should not you
Drink until the sky looks blew?"
[93.] George (Peele) once had invited halfe a score of his friends to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no cheere wanting, wine enough, musicke playing: the night growing on, & being upon departure, they call for a reckoning. George swears there is not a penny for them to pay. They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes would yeeld unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne shillings, some five, some more: protesting something they will pay. Well, quoth George, taking up all the money; seeing you will be so wilfull you shall see what shall follow: he commands the musicke to play, and while they were skipping and dancing, George gets his Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hypocrist, and leaves them and the reckoning to pay. They wondring at the stay of George, meant to be gone: but they were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to pay the reckoning anew.
[26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set up an Ale house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did discredit himself so much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and Ale? He told him the chief reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a stranger; for Beer and Ale are my Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger: but the Gentleman told him he did not well, for he must make much of any Stranger that comes within his gates: So will I that, says he, when I get it within my gates agen; I'll make more of it than I did; nay much more, because I would not break the Command.
[105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French Lords, and hee gave unto Peter Achadus (Scogins chamber fellow) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Plover, Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such other: and because Scogins chamber fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would have bought in a bill, and desired Scogin to bestow the money, who was well contented. When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in Paris, and said, sir, it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding doth feast a great many of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the Bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money, then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter, and asked if everything were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, and here is your bill reasonably prized. Then said Scogin, let somebody goe with me for to receive your money: the Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. Scogin went to St. Peter's Church, where there was a Priest that had on his Albe, and was ready to goe to Masse: Scogin went to the Priest, and said, Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought her to you, to the intent you should perswade her. The Priest said he would doe what he could. I thanke you, said Scogin. Then Scogin came to the woman, and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear what he doth say. Then Scogin came to the Priest, and said Master, here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse is done? Yea, said the Priest. Then said Scogin to the woman, you heare what my master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token, whereby I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then Scogin did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber: when masse was done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that I were gone: Wherefore? said the Priest. The woman said, for wares that your man hath received. What man? said the Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The Priest said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be your head. What, master Abbot, said the woman, you shal not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you promised to pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, nor I promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I would perswade you to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest went his way. The woman perceiving that shee was deceived, went home to see if Scogin had received the ware, and he had received them, and was gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not find him.
[17.] A Citizen having married a Cockney, and he taking her with him into the Country, to see his Friends, as they were riding spyed a Willow tree on which abundance of Wants or Moles were hung: O dear, says she, Husband, look what a fine Tree here is; I never knew how they grew till now; for it is a Black Pudding tree.
[82.] A man was very angry with his maid, because his eggs were boyled too hard; truly, said she, I have made them boyle a long houre, but the next you have, shall boyle two houres but they shall be tender enough.
[26.] A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the Street, and seeing all a Bed, and no Candle in any Window neither; then bethought himself of this project; for then he went up and down crying Fire, Fire, which made several come to the Windows: They askt him where? where? He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he would go to't to warm himself; For, says he, I am devilish cold.
