Humour, Wit, & Satire of the Seventeenth Century :: A Leicester-shire Frolick; Or , The Valiant Cook-Maid.

A Leicester-shire Frolick; Or , The Valiant Cook-Maid.

Being a merry composed Jest of Five Taylors that had been at work till their Wages came to 5 pounds, likewise a merry conceited Cook-maid that lived in the house, went to her Master, and desired him to lend her a horse, and she would venture her skill to take the 5 pounds from these five Taylors, without either Sword or Pistol, in a jesting way, to make her Master some sport and to show her valour: her Master loving mirth more than sadness, agreed to it; so a Horse was sadled, and other things to disguise herself, because she might not be known: away she went (it being in the Evening) and met them before they got home, with nothing in her hand but a black pudding, the faint hearted Taylors delivered her their Money very quietly, for fear they should a been shot through with a Black Pudding, and what followed after is expressed in the following Ditty.

Tune is Ragged & Torn.

With Allowance.

The Valiant Cook-Maid²⁰⁶

[107.]I'le tell you a pretty fine jest,

if that you do please it to hear,

For the truth on't I do protest,

I'm sure that you need not to fear:

It is of a valiant Cook-maid,

that lived at a Nobleman's place

And five Taylors that once was afraid

when as they lookt her in the face.

O this was a valiant Cook-maid,

without either Pistol or Gun,

But with a Black Pudding did fright,

five Taylors and put them to th' run.

This Noble-man upon a time,

had great store of work for to do,

But to bring every thing into rhyme,

'twill study my brains you must know;

Five Taylors that lived hard by,

that worked for fourpence a day,

For Beef and for Pudding at night,

they'd better do so than to play.

O this &c

These Taylors a great while did work,

two Masters, and their three men,

They laboured as hard as a Turk,

with Stitching both too and agen;

And when that their work it was done,

their money unto them was told,

Full five good pounds it is known,

Of Silver, but not of red Gold.

O this &c

And when as their money they'd got,

then who was so jocond as they,

Each Man of the best drank his pot,

and homewards they straight took their way;

A Cook-Maid there was in the house,

that us'd full merry to be,

Who went to her Master in haste,

and these words unto him did say.

O this &c

Master, if that you please,

some pastime I for you will make

But to lend me a horse then (quoth she)

and this money I from them will take;

Her Master, then hearing the jest,

would try what this Cook-maid could do,

Some mirth he did think it the best,

as Gentlemen will do, you know.

O this &c

A horse then was sadled with speed,

and boots and Spurs she put on,

And other materials most fit,

because she would not be known;

A horse-back she straight got astride,

with a Hogs-Pudding in her hand,

And meeting these Taylors in haste,

she presently bid them to stand.

O this &c

Deliver your Money (quoth she)

or else your manhoods now try,

Or by this same thing in my hand,

every man of you shall dye;

Then out her Black-Pudding she pull'd,

which sore did the Taylors affright,

They thought it had been a Pistol well charg'd,

because 'twas late in the night.

O this &c

They beg'd their lives she might save,

we are but poor Taylors (quoth they)

And truly no money we have,

for we work but for four pence a day;

You lye, like all Rogues (quoth she)

and do not my patience provoke,

For 5 pounds you have tane for your work,

so presant that word did them choak.

O this &c.

That money deliver with speed,

if that you think well on your lives,

Or by this same thing you shall bleed,

the which will go farther than knives;

Then out of their pockets their money they took,

with many a sorrowful tear,

And gave it into her hand,

here's all on't each Taylor did swear.

O this &c—

And when she their money had got,

she set Spurs and away she did run,

The Devil go with you (quoth they)

for i'me sure that we are undone;

But when that this Cook-maid came home,

strait unto her Master she told,

And show'd him his money again,

how passages went she did unfold.

O this &c.

The poor Taylor making his complaint to the Esquire The poor Taylor making his complaint to the Esquire

But here comes the cream of the jest,

those Taylors which was such Men,

After they'd stood pausing awhile,

then back they returned again;

They came with a pittiful tone,

their hair stood like men bewitcht,

To th' Gentleman they made their moan,

for their mony their fingers it itcht.

O this &c.

The Gentleman laugh'd in conceit,

how many was there said he,

Sure you were all men sufficient

to a beaten above two or three;

Truly we saw but one man,

the which took our Money away,

But we feared he had partakers in store,

or else he should never a carried the day.

O this &c.

He was well mounted upon a good steed,

and a Pistol that put us to studying,

You lye like all fools (quoth she)

it was but a black Hogs-Pudding;

Thus they the poor Taylors did jeer,

and the Cook-maid laugh'd in conceit,

That with nothing but a black Pudding,

and that five Taylors did beat.

O this &c.

Then straightway the Gentleman spoke,

what will you give then (said he)

To have all your money again,

and the face on't once more to see:

Quoth the Taylors we'l give the ton half,

and that's very fair you do know,

Altho' that we were such fools,

to part with our good silver so.

O this &c.

Then straitways he call'd for the Cook,

then the Taylors did laugh in their sleeve,

And set her to conjuring strait,

which made the poor Taylors believe;

That she by her art had it found,

and show'd them the place where it lay,

Which made the poor Taylors to smile,

so merry and jocand was they.

O this &c.

Here take half the money said they,

the which we did promise to you,

And for you we ever will pray,

for such Cook-Maids there is but a few;

I'le have none of your money she said,

as sure as i'me here alive,

One may know what Cowards you are,

to let a Hogs-Pudding to fright you all 5.

O this &c.

And thus the old Proverb is true,

nine Taylors do make but one man,

And now it doth plainly appear,

let them all do what they can;

For had they been stout hearted Lads,

they need not called for aid,

Nor afraid to tast of a Pudding,

nor yet be'n out-brav'd by a Maid.

O this &c

FINIS.

Printed for P. Brooksby, at the Golden-Ball, at Pye-Corner, near West Smithfield.

²⁰⁶ This engraving is from another version, (C. 22 f. 2)/101

How Jacke by playing of the Whiting got his dinner.

[105.] When the sicknesse was at Oxford, on a time Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lye at S. Bartholemewes by Oxford, and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat: On a Friday he said to his scholler, Jacke, here is twopence, goe to the market and buy me three whitings, the which his scholler did; & when hee was come home, Scogin said, Jacke, goe seeth me a whiting to my dinner: Jacke heard him say so, and deferred the time, thinking hee should fare ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner. At last Scogin said, doth the fish play? Jacke said, would you have one play without a fellow? Scogin said, Jacke thou saist truth, put another whiting into the pan. Then Jacke prepared his fish to seeth them: then Scogin said, Jacke doth the fish play now? Jacke said, I trow they be mad or else wood,²⁰⁷ for one doth fight with the other, that I have much adoe to keepe them in the pan. Then said Scogin, put the other whiting betwixt them to break the strife. Jacke was then glad, thinking he should get somewhat to dinner, and sod²⁰⁸ the fish and had his part.

²⁰⁷ Or wode, mad or furious.

²⁰⁸ Or sodden, boiled.

[26.] One swore pretty largely too, That he knew a Hare, that after he was taken and garbaged,²⁰⁹ did give the Dogs a chase for five or six miles together; then they cry'd out all 'twas a loud lie. No, says he, it can't be a loud lie, for it seems you don't allow it. Yes, says they, we do allow it for a lie. But, says he, I do avow it for truth, and thus it was, for the Hare being tied to a Huntsman's Saddle in a string, it happened that the string slips, and the Hare in the string hung down between the Horses Legs upon the Ground, and the Horse being mettlesome, gallopt away with the Hare at his heels, and the Dogs marcht after; but the truth was, the Man could not hold the Horse in: Nay then, say they, this may be impossibly possible.

Another very sober Man told a story; That once he went a coursing alone with a Grey hound Bitch, that was great with Whelp; and, having started a Hare, it hapned the Hare went through a Muse²¹⁰ in a Hedg where a Carpenter had hid his Axe, lying it seems with the edge upwards: and so the Hare being with young, in going through that Muse, cut her belly with the edge of the Axe; and then out started 8 young Hares, and began to run immediately; but the Grey hound Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same Muse, by Chance Cut her belly also, and out came Eight Whelps; which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares, and the Bitch after the Old Hare and Kill'd em all. Now, says he to them, Some nice people may take this for a lie, but I think 'tis as probable as any of the rest, because the wonder is greater: that there should be but just the number of Eight Whelps, and Eight young Hares, and if true Probatum est.

²⁰⁹ Disembowelled.

²¹⁰ Or muset, a hole in a hedge through which game passes. Ed. Topsell in his "Histore of foure footed beasts," Lond. 1607, says, "But the good and aproved hounds, on the contrary, when they have found the hare, make shew thereof to the hunter, by running more speedily, and with gesture of head, eyes, ears, and taile winding to the hares muse," etc.

[82.] Seigneur Valdrino (paymaster to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon) a man exquisite in Courtship and complement; as two or three were at strife laying Wagers what Countryman he was; a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter: why Captaine, said one, we are laying a wager what Countriman my Lord Treasurer Valdrino is: Oh, said the Captaine, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise, for I have served the King in his wars, these seven yeers without pay, and ever when I petition to my Lord, he payes me with no coyne but promises, which makes me half assured that hee is that Countryman.

Epitaph on a Scholler.

[5.]Forbeare, friend, t' unclaspe this booke

Onely in the fore front looke,

For in it have errours bin,

Which made th' authour call it in:

Yet know this 't shall have more worth,

At the second comming forth.

[17.] A Gardener being to be hang'd, his Wife came to give him his last kiss at the Gallows: Out, you Baggage, says he, we are like to thrive well at the years end; there can't be a meeting in all the Country but you'll be sure to make one—Go home and weed, home and weed.

[91.]There is a body without a heart,

That hath a tongue, and yet no head,

Buried it was, e're it was made;

And loude doth speake, and yet is dead.

Resolution. A Bell, which when it is cast, is founded in the ground.

[4.] Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets; one being to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to Catch them. So they being come to the place, he that watch'd, cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi; which noise frighted all the Rabbets into their Burrows, whereupon the other was very angry with him; Why, says he, who thought the Rabbets had understood Latin?

[94.] A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another, meets him in the street, and gives him a Box on the Ear: The other, not willing to strike again, puts it off with a jest, asking him whether it was in jest or earnest? The other answers, It was in earnest: I am glad of that, said he, for if it had been in jest, I should have been very angry, for I do not like such jesting, and so pass'd away from him.

[103.] A Gentleman making Addresses of Love to a young Lady, often swore by his Soul that he would be very faithful to her, in keeping all the promises he had made; but however failing in some small Matters, she was afraid to venture on to a Marriage, lest he should deceive her in greater, which he perceiving, said they would pawn her Soul upon it. Ay, Sir, replyed the Lady, you must find out a better Pattern, for that has been dipt so often, theres nothing more to be lent upon.

[17.] A Gentleman stammering much in his speech, laid down a winning Card; and then said to his partner, Ho, sa, ay you now, was not this Ca-ca-card pa-a-ssing we-we-well la-a-aid? Yes, says t'other, 'twas well laid, but it needs not half that Cackling.

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