xi. THE RIVAL DOLLS.

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F. Anstey

"Miss Jenny and Polly had each a new dolly."—Vide Poem.

Characters.

Miss Jenny
Miss Polly		 } By the Sisters Leamar.
The Soldier Doll
The Sailor Doll		 } By the Two Armstrongs.

Scene—A Nursery. Enter Miss Jenny and Miss Polly, who perform a blameless step-dance with an improving chorus.

Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly,
And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar;
We're fully contented with what's been presented,
Such good little children we both of us are!

[They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large Dolls, which they place on chairs.

Miss J. Don't they look nice! Come, Polly, let us strive
To make ourselves believe that they're alive!

Miss P. (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all that's nautical.

The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly). Excuse me, Miss, your sister's more my sort o' gal.

[Kisses his hand to Miss J., who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed.

Miss J. Oh, Polly, did you hear? I feel so shy!

The Sailor D. (with mild self-assertion). I can say "Pa" and "Ma"—and wink my eye.

[Does so at Miss P., who runs in terror to Miss J.'s side.

Miss J. Why, both are showing signs of animation.

Miss P. Who'd think we had such strong imagination!

The Soldier Doll (aside to the Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have caught their fancy—
In each of us they now a real man see!
Let's keep it up!

The Sailor D. (dubiously.) D'ye think as we can do it?

The Soldier D. You stick by me, and I will see you through it.
Sit up, and turn your toes out,—don't you loll;
Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!

[The Sailor Doll pulls himself together, and rises from chair importantly.

The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)—

Ladies, with your kind leave, this gallant gent
Will now his military sketch present.

[Miss J. and P. applaud: the Soldier D., after feebly expostulating, is induced to sing.

Song, by the Soldier Doll.

When I used to be displayed,
In the Burlington Arcade,
With artillery arrayed
Underneath.
Shoulder Hump

I imagine that I made
All the Lady Dolls afraid,
I should draw my battle-blade
From its sheath,
Shoulder Hump

For I'm Mars's gallant son,
And my back I've shown to none,
Nor was ever seen to run
From the strife!
Shoulder Hump!

Oh, the battles I'd have won,
And the dashing deeds have done,
If I'd ever fired a gun
In my life!
Shoulder Hump!

Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage).

By your right flank, Wheel!
Let the front rank kneel!
With the bristle of the steel
To the foe.
Till their regiments reel,
At our rattling peal,
And the military zeal
We show!

"Shoulder Hump!" "Shoulder Hump!"

[Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him.

The Soldier Doll. My friend will next oblige—this jolly Jack Tar.
Will give his song and chorus in charÀck-tar!

[Same business with Sailor D.

Song, by the Sailor Doll.

In costume I'm
So maritime,
You'd never suppose the fact is,
That with the Fleet
In Regent Street,
I'd precious little naval practice!
There was saucy craft,
Rigged fore an' aft,
Inside o' Mr. Cre-mer's.
From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques,
Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.

Chorus.

But to navigate the Serpentine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
I did respeckfully decline,
So I was left in port to pine,
Which wasn't azactually the line
Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, Yeo-ho!
Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!

Yes, there was lots
Of boats and yachts,
Of timber and of tin, too;
But one and all
Was far too small
For a doll o' my size to get into
I was too big
On any brig
To ship without disas-ter,
And it wouldn't never do
When the cap'n and the crew
Were a set 'o little swabs all plaster!

Chorus—So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.

An Ark is p'raps
The berth for chaps
As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.
But I sez to Shem
And the rest o' them,
"How you get along at all's a myst'ry!
With a Wild Beast Show
Let loose below,
And four fe-males on deck too!
I never could agree
With your happy fami-lee,
And your lubberly ways I objeck to."

[Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the Soldier Doll advances condescendingly to Miss Jenny.

The Sold. D. Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies,
But yield to you—though conquering my trade is!

Miss J. (repulsing him). Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!

[The Sold. D. persists in offering her attentions.

Miss P. (watching them bitterly). To be deserted by one's doll does sting you!

[The Sailor D. approaches.

The Sailor D. (to Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll
As swears his 'art was ever true to Poll!

(N.B.—Good opportunity for Song here.)

Miss P. (indignantly to Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol!
Do make him stop—(spitefully)—When you've quite done with my doll!

Miss J. (scornfully.) If you suppose I want your wretched warrior,
I'm sorry for you!

Miss P. I for you am sorrier.

Miss J. (weeping, r.). Polly preferred to me—what ignominy!

Miss P. (weeping, l.). My horrid Soldier jilting me for Jenny!

[The two Dolls face one another, c.

Sailor D. (to Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her sky-lights now, you swab!

Soldier D. (to Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break your nob! [Hits him.

Sailor D. (in a pale fury). This insult must be blotted out in bran!

Soldier D. (fiercely). Come on, I'll shed your sawdust—if I can!

[Miss J. and P. throw themselves between the combatants.

Miss J. For any mess you make we shall be scolded,
So wait until a drugget we've unfolded!

[They lay down drugget on Stage.

The Soldier D. (politely). No hurry, Miss, we don't object to waiting.

The Sailor D. (aside). His valour—like my own—'s evaporating!
(Defiantly to Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run you through!
(Confidentially.) (If you will not prod me, I won't pink you.)

The Soldier D. Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass!
(Confidentially.) (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a hass!)

[They exchange passes at a considerable distance.

The Sailor D. (aside). Don't lose your temper now!

Sold. D. Don't get excited.
Do keep a little farther off!

Sail. D. Delighted!

[Wounds Soldier D. by misadventure.

Sold. D. (annoyed). There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent!

Sail. D. Excuse me, it was really quite an accident.

Sold. D. (savagely). Such clumsiness would irritate a saint!

[Stabs Sailor Doll.

Miss J. and P. (imploringly). Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns us faint!

[They drop into chairs, swooning.

Sail. D. I'll pay you out for that!

[Stabs Soldier D.

Sold. D. Right through you've poked me!

Sailor D. So you have me!

Sold. D. You shouldn't have provoked me!

[They fall transfixed.

Sailor D. (faintly). Alas, we have been led away by vanity.
Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity! [Dies.

Soldier D. For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied,
Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted!

[Dies. Miss J. and P. revive, and bend sadly over the corpses.

Miss Jenny. From their untimely end we draw this moral,
How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel!

Miss Polly. Yes, Jenny, in the fate of these poor fellows see
What sad results may spring from female jealousy!

[They embrace penitently as Curtain falls.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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