  Produced by Al Haines. That Reminds Me A Collection of Tales "Show me a Nation's humor, and I Philadelphia COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY THE WAY If nonsense is to wisdom near allied and truth is often spoken in a jest, which are facts known to very casual observers, there is much more than the passing laugh to be derived from such a collection of anecdote, repartee, and pleasantry as that gathered together in this volume. For some years the Public Ledger of Philadelphia, and earlier the Philadelphia Times, before the two journals were united, have offered premiums for contributions to a column of jests called "Tales Worth Telling." With the permission of Mr. George W. Ochs of the Public Ledger, the best of these are now collected and published in permanent form for a wider audience in the belief that they will be enjoyed beyond the confines of the newspaper's community and for longer than the day for which it is made and serves its purposes. There is much Americanism in these "Tales." They have the flavor of our soil; the relish of our nationality. While some are plants of foreign growth removed to our atmosphere in which they have taken on a new appearance, there are touches of human nature and character in all of them. If all these anecdotes seem not to be equally laugh-provoking, it is the fate of anecdotes. They are meant for different minds; they have different objects. If any shall teach a lesson, or point a moral while it at the same time fetches a smile, its purpose will not be lost. Such humor, springing, as it does, from the people, much of it being caught at first hands from those who invented it to be transcribed for the newspaper in which it first appeared and now to be preserved in this volume, illustrates many important truths in our American character. Let that not be forgotten! "Show me a nation's humor and I will show you its civilization," is a sentiment worthy to become a proverb. There is hope for the man or the race of men which is gifted with the sense of humor if the mind and lips remain clean and reverent. The Chinese can read this book as well as our occidentals. It can be perused backward or forward and will need no index or table of contents. It can be taken all at once if time and taste call for it, or it may be confidently opened by the skipper and skimmer of books who travels hither and thither and assails his literature only at vulnerable points. It may perhaps be taken up a second time, when, reader, if some of these stories seem to be old friends, you must be certain not to chide and revile this little volume, but compliment yourself upon owning a very retentive mind. BEATEN AT HIS OWN GAME The champion liar of the town was outdoing himself on his pet topic, the Civil War. "Talk of mud," he was saying, "our campaign in the Wilderness was the worst. It rained for days without letting up. When it did stop we started off with our artillery. Soon we came to a regular water hole, but we drove straight along, and do you know that first team went right out of sight." A newcomer then took the floor. "I've seen some mud, too," he said. "When I was a boy, one day after a terribly wet spring, I saw a hat out in the road, right in a big puddle, so I waded out to get it. Maybe now you won't believe me, but there was a man under that hat. Says I, 'Why, hello! can't I help you out?' 'Oh, no,' says he, 'guess I can get along. I'm a-horse back.'" THE ABSENT BOY'S FAULT A certain Sunday-school teacher had a regular set of questions that she asked every Sunday. Beginning with the first boy she would ask, "Who made you?" to which he would reply, "The Lord." Then she would regularly ask the second boy, "Who was the first man?" and he would reply, "Adam." One Sunday the first boy was away, and of course the second boy moved into his place. As usual, the teacher began by asking, "Who made you?" The boy replied, "Adam." "No, that is not right," said the teacher. "The Lord made you." "I guess not," the child replied. "The boy that the Lord made is away to-day." THE "ONE HORSE" RAILROAD It was a train of only two cars on a miserable branch railroad, and was jogging along at a distressingly low rate of speed when all of a sudden it came to a dead stop. One of the passengers, whose patience had become exhausted, asked a brakeman the cause of delay. "There's a herd of cows on the track," he answered. In about ten minutes the train got under way again, jerking along convulsively for about a mile or two, when it came to a halt. An old man sitting near the door turned to the brakeman, who was plainly annoyed by the many questions, and said irritably: "What in thunder is the matter, anyhow?" "Why, we've caught up to the cows again!" the brakeman answered. A POSTSCRIPT The editor of a rural paper visited a large city just after the shooting of Mr. McKinley and took great interest in the newspaper bulletins informing the public of the president's condition. Shortly after the editor's return home, Deacon Jones was taken seriously ill, and the following bulletins were promptly posted: 10.00 A.M--Deacon Jones no better. ll.00 A.M.--Deacon Jones has relapse. 12.30 P.M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. 2.15 P.M.--Deacon Jones's family summoned. 3.10 P.M--Deacon Jones has died and gone to Heaven. Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to read the bulletins, and, going to the board, added: 4.10 P.M.--Great excitement in Heaven; Deacon Jones has not yet arrived. The worst is feared. HOW COULD HE KNOW Jim Murphy had been accused of selling liquor illicitly and the prosecuting attorney was endeavoring to make Pat, a job teamster, admit that he had delivered liquor to the defendant. He stated that he had once delivered freight to Murphy and that part of that freight was a barrel, but when asked what the barrel contained he replied that he did not know. "Don't know! Wasn't the barrel marked?" asked the attorney. "Yis, sor." "Then how dare you tell the court that you don't know what was in it?" "Because, sor, the barrel was marked 'Jim Murphy' on one end and 'Bourbon Whiskey' on the other. How the divil did I know which was in it?" A SECRET A man who had purchased a fine-looking horse soon discovered that the animal was blind, and after several weeks he succeeded in disposing of her, as the defect did not seem to lessen her speed nor detract from her general appearance. The next day the new owner of the horse appeared. "Say, you know that mare you sold me?" he began. "She's stone blind." "I know it," replied her past owner with an easy air. "You didn't say anything to me about it," said the purchaser, his face red with anger. "Well, you see," replied the other, "that fellow who sold her to me didn't tell me about it and I just concluded that he didn't want it known." AT THE WRONG DOOR The following story is told of an American gentleman who was recently stopping with his wife at the Hotel Cecil in London. The first evening there she happened to return somewhat earlier than her spouse. Arriving at the door of what he supposed was his own room and finding it locked, he tapped and called, "Honey." No answer came and he again called more loudly, "Honey." Still there was no reply, and becoming somewhat uneasy, he shouted the endearing term with his full strength. This time an answer came and in a male voice. "Go away, you blithering idiot! This is a bathroom, not a blooming beehive." HOW IT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED Hon. James M. Beck tells the following story of an argument made by a rural barrister before a justice in a court in Pennsylvania. The case was one in which the plaintiff sought to recover damages from a railroad company for the killing of a cow. During the course of his argument, the country lawyer used this expressive sentence: "If the train had been run as it should have been ran, or if the bell had been rung as it should have been rang, or if the whistle had been blown as it should have been blew, both of which they did neither, the cow would not have been injured when she was killed." NOT A GOOD SWIMMER Two men in the West were to be hanged for horse stealing. The place selected was the middle of a trestle bridge spanning a river. The rope was not securely tied about the neck of the first man to be dropped, and the knot slipped; he fell in the river and immediately swam for the shore. As they were adjusting the rope for the second culprit, an Irishman, he remarked: "Will yez be sure and tie that good and tight, 'cause I can't swim." THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE General Sheridan was once asked at what little incident he had laughed the most. "Well," he said, "I do not know, but always laugh when I think of the Irishman and the army mule. I was riding down the line one day, when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally caught its hoof in the stirrup, when, in the excitement, the Irishman exclaimed, 'Well, if you're going to get on, I'll get off.'" BUSINESS HABIT Some time ago a tramp was walking along, asking the pedestrians whom he met for alms. He stopped in front of the shop of a Jewish second-hand merchant; suddenly he entered it and appreached the dealer, saying, "Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?" The man looked at him and said with a characteristic business-like air, "Vare is dot ped? Let me see it." A TEACHER'S JOYS A Philadelphia school-teacher tells this story: "Last week I was teaching a spelling lesson to a class of little second-graders. The word 'each' occurred, was written, on the board, and from it I expected to derive 'peach,' 'reach,' 'teach,' etc. Pointing to the word, I said, 'Can any child give a sentence using "each"?' "A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up and a little German girl replied, 'Does your back each?'" FAMILY PRIDE A number of little girls were boasting of the rank of their respective families. They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to interior furnishings, and finally came to parental dignity. The minister's little girl boasted: "Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D." "And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the daughter of the physician. Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party. "Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D." ON THE WITNESS STAND Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the lawyer's advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his own words. "Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as' the car-r passed; thin th' car-r stopped, an' we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th' man and shouted: 'He's kilt; he's kilt!' Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez thick-heads, yez! If the man's kilt why in Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one side and let him have a br-reath of air-r." DEFECTIVE EDUCATION A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same predicament, so calling a waiter he said: "Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar." Quick as a flash the waiter replied: "'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much ejication maself!" UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER "Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends." "Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn't help it. I was tellin' her how you tried to make cake one day." SHE WAS EXCUSED One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden. "Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't," she said. "What do you mean by that, dear?" "Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn't excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'" A WRONG TRANSLATION Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a country hotel near Pittsburg. Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle FranÇais." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said, "Do you speak French?" "No," the man replied, "United States will do for me." "Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That means, 'French is spoken here.'" "Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold that to me for 'God bless our home.'" GETTING EVEN WITH HIM Mr. W----, who used to be president of the Seaboard Air Line, is a good friend of Mr. S----, president of the Southern Railway. The friends of the two are fond of springing upon them this story: In sending out complimentary passes to officials of the Seaboard system it happened through error that the Southern sent to Mr. W---- a pass marked "Not good on the Washington and South-western Limited." When he received it Mr. W---- looked up the Seaboard pass that was to be sent to Mr. S----. With a pen he wrote across it: "Not good on passenger trains." COMING DOWN LIKE A LADY A young lady was entertaining callers one evening when her little sister came down the stairway in a noisy manner. "Frances," said the annoyed elder sister, "you came down-stairs so that you could be heard all over the house. Now, go back and come down properly." Frances retired, and in a few minutes reentered the parlor. "Did you hear me come down-stairs this time, Marjie?" asked the little girl anxiously. "No, dear; this time you came down like a lady." "Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting some pride and satisfaction in her performance, "this time I slid down the banisters." NOT A POPULAR CANDIDATE A dispute arose on a train one election day as to who would be elected Governor of Pennsylvania. One man stoutly maintained that Pattison would be elected, while another said Pennypacker would receive an immense majority. An Irishman on the train offered twenty-five dollars on the first-named candidate. "You're both mistaken," said a religious-looking man after the discussion had gone on for some time. "Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?" asked the Celt. "The Lord," said the old man solemnly. "He will be Governor of Pennsylvania." There was silence for a moment, and then the Celt shouted out: "Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five dollars that He don't carry Pittsburg." JOHNNY'S CONSCIENCE A teacher in one of our city schools defined conscience as "something within you that tells you when you have done wrong." "Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end of the room, "I had it once last summer after I'd eaten green apples, but they had to send for a doctor." NOT TO BE DISSUADED A number of salesmen were discussing the subject of traveling through the South. "I have often wondered," said one of them, "how those boys, who take your hats in the dining-rooms of southern hotels and place them in a rack without checks know which hat to give you. If thought I would try and fool one. One day when I had finished lunch, and the boy had handed me my hat, I tried it on and pretended it was a misfit. "'This is not my hat,' I said, but he was ready with his answer. "'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he replied calmly, 'but it am de hat what you gib me when you come in.'" AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE An Irishman walked into a men's furnishing goods store the other day and said: "Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin' wear, but Oi don't know exactly what the coostom is. What do they be wearin' now fer mournin'?" "It depends," explained the salesman, "on how near the relative is for whom you wish to show this mark of respect. For a very near relative, you should have an all black suit. For some one not so near you may have a broad band of black on the left arm or a somewhat narrower one for somebody more distant." "Och! is that it? Well, thin, gimme a shoe string. It's me woife's mither." SQUARING THE ACCOUNT A practical joker of New York City tells this story upon himself, and declares that the experience cured him of his bad habit: On my arrival at San Francisco, as a joke I sent to a friend of mine at home, well known for his aversion to spending money, a telegram, with charges to collect, reading, "I am perfectly well." The information evidently was gratifying to him, for about a week after sending the telegram an express package was delivered at my room, on which I paid four dollars for charges. Upon opening the package I found a large New York street paving block, on which was pasted a card, which read, "This is the weight your recent telegram lifted from my heart." THE IRISH BULL Two Celts who had been backsliding in their religious duties, had taken the pledge and were trying to summon sufficient courage to attend church. Each disliked the idea of going because of the gossip it would create, so they agreed to be present at the same service on the principle that misery loves company. "But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi to know if yez be there?" "Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on the wall beside th' dure." "A good plan, faith," said Patrick; "an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know." MORE BULLS This is submitted as an ideal example of the Irish "bull": Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk." Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if 'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to say so." Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know ye wuz dr-runk." THE INTELLIGENT GOAT Three colored men were discussing the intelligence of different animals. One favored the dog; another, the horse; but old Peter Jackson said, "In my opinion de goat am de 'telligentest critter livin'. De goat kin read, I saw him do it. Once I wuz walkin' down street dressed in mah best suit, an' wearin' mah new plug hat. When I got down on de main street, I seed a billboa'd on which it said: 'Chew Jackson's Plug.' A goat wuz standin' thar when I passed an' when I wuz about ten feet away he must hab recognized me, for de next thing I knew, I went sailin' in de mud. When I looked 'roun' dat goat wuz chewin' mah plug hat for all he wuz worth. Gem'men, da is no question in mah mind about de 'telligence ob de goat. He am a wondah." WHERE THEY GET IT George Ade, not long ago, was speaking of the curious ideas some children have of the most ordinary things. Ade then said the story he was about to tell actually occurred in Indiana, his native State. There was a little boy, who, on seeing a pan of warm, freshly-drawn milk, inquired where the cows got their milk. "Where do you get your tears?" was the reply. "Gee!" exclaimed the youngster, "do you have to spank the cows?" NEAR ENOUGH It was a Maine girl of whom the story is told that she refused to marry a most devoted lover until he had amassed a fortune of ten thousand dollars. After some expostulation he accepted the verdict and went to work. About three months after this bargain had been made the young lady, meeting her lover, said: "Well, Charley, how are you getting along?" "Oh, very well indeed," Charley returned cheerfully. "I've eighteen dollars saved." The young lady blushed and looked down at the toes of her walking boots. "I guess," she said, faintly, "I guess, Charley, that's about near enough." A CLOSE SHAVE A little girl asked her mother if there were any men in heaven. "Mamma," she said, "I never saw a picture of an angel with a beard or a mustache. Do men ever go to heaven?" "Oh! yes," replied her mother, "men go to heaven, but it's always by a close shave." TOO MUCH LIKE HOME Three men determined to rob a certain house. So, on the night chosen for the deed, they gathered in front of the building. One of them entered and started up-stairs. He had his boots on and, when near the landing, they squeaked. A female voice was heard in one of the rooms. "You go right down-stairs and take those boots off. I'm tired of having to clean up mud and dirt after you. March right down and take them off." The burglar turned about, went down the steps, and joining his companions, said: "Boys, I couldn't rob that house, it seems too much like home." A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR It happened on an inauguration day in Washington and a member of a governor's staff was, for the first time, arrayed in his full uniform. When he arrived at the Capitol, he remembered having left something at his boarding-house and turned back after it. The landlady's small daughter answered the bell. She did not recognize the lodger in his showy and magnificent dress. "Who is it?" asked the mother before going into the parlor. "I don't know, mamma, but I think it's God." HOW HE KNEW In a New York court, counsel for the defense, in a case of assault, was questioning a witness for the prosecution. "Now, you say you saw the quarrel between the two men?" "Yes," replied the man, who happened to be a carpenter. "How far away from them were you?" "Just four yards, two feet, three and one-half inches." "What do you mean?" shouted the attorney. "You don't mean to say that you can measure distance that accurately with your eye?" "No," said the carpenter, quietly; "but I knew some fool would ask me, so I measured it." WORSE YET Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and Standard Oil magnate, was visited recently by one of his friends who has been under the weather for months. Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health of his caller. "I have been staying down at Lakewood, New Jersey, for six months," was the reply, "and I've been pretty low. In fact, I never was in so bad a state before." Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly: "You've never been in Montana, have you?" AMENITIES OF THE BAR Judge Norton was solemn, stern and dignified to excess. He was also egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit and careless of decorum. He did not like Judge Norton. At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an elaborate speech, referring to the early days of Wisconsin, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm which once overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene was awful, "and," said the Judge, "I expected every moment the lightning would strike the tree under which I had taken shelter." "Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in thunder didn't you get under another tree?" AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL In a down-town Sunday-school a few Sundays ago the teacher asked a class of girls: "Can any little girl here tell me what the Epistles are?" "I think I know," said one child. "Well, Dorothy?" "The Epistles were the Lady Apostles." A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO Two New York women were lunching together at a favorite cafÉ. "One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup plate?" "What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets. "I didn't know at first, but I found out later that they were called 'soup coolers,' and were used for blowing the soup!" said the traveled one. A BRIGHT PUPIL A pupil in one of the rural schools of Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was told by his teacher to form a sentence with the word "cuckoo" in it. The youngster at once replied, "Chust because she made those cuckoo eyes." A VIEW IN SCOTLAND Two smart young men from London once came upon a respectable-looking shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted him with: "You have a very fine view here--you can see a great way." "Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way." "Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?" "Farrar than that." "How is that?" "Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa' and you'll see the mune." A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of his at St. David's who went home at a rather unusual hour of the day. "Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" he asked of the family servant. Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash." |
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