Manners and Rules of Good Society; Or, Solecisms to be Avoided :: CHAPTER XVI WEDDINGS AND WEDDING LUNCHEONS

CHAPTER XVI WEDDINGS AND WEDDING LUNCHEONS

Afternoon Weddings are invariably solemnized at 2.30 o'clock. Only very quiet weddings take place in the morning hours. Formerly, it was only the few who were in a position to obtain special licences who could have afternoon weddings.

Marriage by "Banns" is greatly in favour in general society. The banns must be published three consecutive weeks previous to the marriage in the parish in which the bridegroom resides, and also in that in which the bride resides, and both should reside fifteen days in their respective parishes previous to the banns being published.

Marriages by Licence.—When a marriage is solemnised by licence the cost, with fees and stamps, amounts to £2. This should be obtained at the Faculty Office, or at the Vicar-General's Office, Doctors' Commons, and is available at any church in the parish where one of the parties has resided for fifteen days previous to the application being made for the licence, either in town or country.

When the licence is obtained in the country through a clerical surrogate the cost varies, according to the diocese, from £1 15s. to £2 12s. 6d.

Special Licences can only be obtained from the Archbishop of Canterbury, after application at the Faculty Office, and an especial reason must be given for the application, and one that will meet with the Archbishop's approval.

The fees for a special marriage licence average £29 5s. 6d.

The Fees to the officiating clergymen vary considerably, according to the position and means of the bridegroom, from £1 1s. to £5 5s., as the inclination of the bridegroom may dictate.

The fee to the verger is subject to a like variation, commencing at 2s. 6d.

All fees relating to a marriage should be defrayed by the bridegroom, and paid by him, or by the best man on his behalf, in the vestry of the church, previous to the ceremony; immediately after it, or some days earlier.

The Etiquette observed at Weddings is invariably the same whether the wedding takes place in the morning or in the afternoon, or whether it is a grand wedding or a comparatively small one, whether the guests number two hundred or whether they number twenty.

The Invitations should be issued from three weeks to a fortnight before the wedding-day.

The wedding luncheon or wedding reception should be given by the parents of the bride or by her nearest relative, and the invitations should be issued in the names of both parents.

The invitations should be issued in notes printed in ink; they are now seldom printed in silver. The form should be as follows: "Mr. and Mrs. —— request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. ——'s company at the marriage of their daughter Helen with Mr. John S——, at St. Peter's Church, Hanover Square, on Tuesday, May 8th, at 2.30 o'clock, and afterwards at —— Square. R.S.V.P."

If a stepdaughter, it should be "at the marriage of Mrs. A——'s daughter Helen B——."

Wedding Presents.—Every one who is invited to a wedding invariably makes the bride or bridegroom a present; it is the received rule to do so. Many send presents before the invitations are sent out—as soon as the engagement is made known, if it is not to be a long one.

There is no rule as to the time before the wedding-day when the present should be sent; but invitations are usually sent to those who have given presents, even though they live at a considerable distance, and may not be able to attend the wedding.

Wedding presents are displayed on tables of various sizes, according to their number, and if very numerous and valuable, it is not unusual to exhibit them at an afternoon tea, given for the purpose on the day previous to the wedding. Each present should bear the card of the giver attached to it. Presents of silver plate should be placed on a table covered with dark cloth or velvet. It is not unusual to surround the presents with flowers, notably roses, and this is often done by persons of artistic tastes.

The Bridegroom should provide the wedding-ring and the bridal bouquet.

The bouquets for the bridesmaids are also the gift of the bridegroom, and should be sent to them on the morning of the wedding. He is also expected to make a present to each bridesmaid—either a brooch, a locket, a bracelet, or a fan, which should either be sent the day before the wedding or on the morning of the wedding-day.

The bridegroom should provide the motor-car to convey himself and his bride from the church to the house where the wedding luncheon and reception are to take place, and again from the house to the railway-station, or, if the journey is made by road, to the place of honeymoon; but frequently the bride's father places his own motor-car at the disposal of the bride and bridegroom for this purpose, especially in the country. The bridal carriage is the only one, according to etiquette, which the bridegroom is expected to provide.

The invited guests should provide their own conveyances, and neither the bridegroom nor the bride's father are ever expected to do so. This should be thoroughly understood by the guests in every case.

The custom of having groomsmen to support the bridegroom is now very general, as at royal weddings, a royal bridegroom being supported by from four to six groomsmen. Two of the groomsmen usually act as ushers and assist in seating the guests.

The Best Man should be a bachelor, although a married man could act in this capacity. He should either accompany the bridegroom to the church or meet him there. He should stand at his right hand during the ceremony—a little in the rear—and should render him the trifling service of handing him his hat at the close of it.

He should sign the register afterwards in the vestry, and should pay the fees to the clergyman and to the verger, on behalf of the bridegroom, either before or after the ceremony, if the bridegroom does not pay them on arrival.

The bridegroom and best man should arrive at the church before the bride, and await her coming, standing at the right-hand side of the chancel gates.

The Bride should be driven to the church in her father's motor-car. If she has a sister or sisters, and they officiate as bridesmaids, they, with her mother, should precede her to the church. The motor-car should then return to fetch the bride and her father; but when she has no sisters, her father generally precedes her to the church, and receives her at the church door, her mother accompanying her in the motor-car.

The bridesmaids should arrive some little time before the bride, and form a line on either side of the church porch, or within the church doorway. The mother of the bride usually stands beside them.

When the bride arrives she should take her father's right arm, or the right arm of her eldest brother or nearest male relative, who is deputed to give her away; he should meet her at the church door in the place of her father, and conduct her to the chancel or altar.

At choral weddings the clergy and choir head the bridal procession and lead the way to the chancel, singing a hymn the while.

The Bridesmaids should follow the bride and her father up the nave of the church. When the number of bridesmaids is even, four, six, eight, or twelve; but when the number is odd, as five, seven, or nine, and three of them happen to be children, which is generally the case, the elder bridesmaids should walk "two and two," following next after the children.

At fashionable weddings one or two little boys act as pages, and occasionally bear the bride's train.

The head bridesmaid is generally the bride's eldest unmarried sister or the bridegroom's sister, and she should follow next to the bride with her companion bridesmaid, when children are not included in the group.

The Bride's Mother should follow next to the bridesmaids, and walk by the side of her son, or other male relative, in following them up the nave of the church. Ladies and gentlemen do not walk arm-in-arm at a wedding, but side by side.

The Bride's Immediate Relatives and the near relatives of the bridegroom should seat themselves in pews or chairs, according to the church in which the service is celebrated. In some churches the service takes place at the entrance of the chancel, and the bridal party enter the chancel and stand at the altar to receive the address, and the concluding portion of the service only is there celebrated.

The Bridegroom's Relatives should place themselves on entering at the right of the nave, thus being on the bridegroom's right hand, and seat themselves in pews. The relatives of the bride should place themselves on entering at the left of the nave, thus being on the bride's left hand, and seat themselves in pews or chairs. Large cards with the words "For the Relatives of the Bridegroom," "For the Relatives of the Bride," are frequently placed in the pews to indicate where they are to sit.

The Bride should stand at the bridegroom's left hand; the bride's father, or nearest male relative, should stand at her left hand, in order to give her away.

The bridesmaids should stand immediately behind the bride in the order in which they pass up the church.

The bride should take off her gloves at the commencement of the service and should give them with her bouquet to the head bridesmaid to hold.

The invited guests should sit in the pews or chairs.

Guests seldom take their prayer-books with them to the church to follow the service therefrom. The hymns sung are usually printed on leaflets, and placed in the pews or on the seats.

The bridegroom generally wears a flower in his button-hole, as he does not wear a wedding favour.

The other gentlemen may, as a matter of course, wear button-hole bouquets, if they please.

When the Service is concluded, the bride should take the bridegroom's left arm, and, preceded by the officiating clergyman, and followed by her head bridesmaids, father, mother, and the most distinguished of the guests, should enter the vestry, where the register should be signed by the bride and bridegroom, two or three of the nearest relatives, and by two or three of the most intimate of the friends, and principal of the guests, including the best man and the head bridesmaid. The bride's father should sign it, but it is optional whether the bride's mother does so or not.

When the register has been signed, and those in the vestry have shaken hands with the bride and offered their congratulations, the bride should take the bridegroom's left arm and pass down the nave of the church followed by her bridesmaids, in the same order as they have previously passed up the nave.

The bride and bridegroom usually leave the church without pausing to shake hands with many of their friends present if a reception is to follow.

When the bride and bridegroom have driven off from the church, the bride's mother should be the next to follow, that she may be at home to receive the guests as they arrive. There is no precedence as to the order in which the remainder of the company leave the church; it entirely depends on the cleverness of their servants in getting up their motor-cars.

Button-hole Bouquets of natural flowers have entirely superseded the old-fashioned wedding favours for both ladies and gentlemen, and are sometimes offered to the guests before they leave their seats at the conclusion of the ceremony, but not invariably so. Button-hole bouquets should be worn on the left side, by both ladies and gentlemen.

A Bride who is a Widow should not wear a bridal veil, nor a wreath of orange-blossoms, nor orange-blossom on her dress.

She should not be attended by bridesmaids, and wedding favours should not be worn by the guests.

How the Invitations to the Wedding Reception of a Widow should be issued depends upon individual circumstances. For instance, if a young widow resides with her parents, the invitations should be issued in their names as at her first marriage, and the form of invitation should be similar, save that the words "Their daughter, Mrs. A., widow of Mr. A." should be substituted for her christian name. If, as is very frequently the case, a widow resides in her own house, or if the marriage is to take place from an hotel, the invitations should be issued in her own name, and the form should be "Mrs. Cecil A. requests the pleasure (or the honour) of Mr. and Mrs. B.'s company at her marriage with Mr. Henry C., at St. George's Church on Tuesday, December 30th, at 2.30 o'clock, and afterwards at Eaton Gardens, R.S.V.P." "The presence of" instead of "the company of" may be put if preferred.

It is understood that a Widow should not have Bridesmaids, but it is open to her to have the attendance of pages, if a wedding is to be a fashionable and smart one, although many ladies do not avail themselves of this privilege. The bridegroom should have a best man, as a matter of course; he may be the bride's brother if desired (the idea that this is not permitted is an erroneous one). A married man might be asked to act in the capacity of best man, there being no bridesmaids to require his attention, although this is seldom done, and a bachelor brother or friend is preferred.

A Widow may be given away by her father, uncle, brother, or even by a friend; indeed, it is more usual to have this support than not. At a first marriage "to be given away" is imperative, at a second it is optional; and if a widow at a quiet wedding prefers not to follow this custom she can do so.

Much Uncertainty exists as to whether a Widow should or should not continue to wear her First Wedding Ring when she marries a second time. In point of fact there is no hard and fast rule with regard to it, and a widow may continue or not continue to wear it, as she feels inclined. If she has children, and has had some years of married life, she usually retains it. If she is a young widow, she is likely to remove it, and wear the second ring only; but when this is her intention, she should not cease to wear it until she has arrived at the church, and has taken off her gloves previous to the ceremony; but, take it all in all, it is more usual to wear the two wedding rings than the second one only.

Formerly, Widows considered it Imperative to be married in Widow's Colours, grey or mauve, and that white was forbidden wear; but it is no longer so regarded, and a widow may and does wear white or cream on her wedding-day—not exactly a maiden bridal dress, as a tinge of colour is introduced. The larger number still regard pale grey or pale heliotrope as more suitable on the occasion of a second marriage, and doubtless this is so when a widow is not in her first youth. A widow may not, of course, wear a bridal veil; she must wear a hat or toque, white or coloured, as she pleases. She can have a bouquet, not of white flowers only, but mauve or pink, or violets, according to choice. It is quite permissible to have a full choral service, and for the church in which the ceremony is performed to be decorated with plants and flowers, but wedding favours should not be given to the guests at its conclusion.

When a Widow has a reception the Newly Married Pair should receive their Guests standing together. The bride's mother, or near relative, could assist them in receiving. If a luncheon is to be given, they should lead the way to the dining-room, and sit at the head of the table, side by side; but if a reception tea is given, the guests might be sent in at the tea hour—that is to say, told that tea is going on, and the bride and bridegroom could follow later should the numbers be too great to admit of all going into the tea room at the same time.

It is quite in Order for a Widow to have a Wedding Cake, but it should not be decorated with orange blossoms or with white flowers, merely with icing and ornamentations. The display of presents at the marriage of a widow is, as a rule, a very restricted one. The bridegroom and the bridegroom's family being the principal donors, the presents are seldom exhibited. The exception is when a widow has made many new friends, and has received wedding presents from them. Presents, when made to a widow having a house of her own, are expected to be of substantial value, and there is a general reluctance felt to offering her trifles, even if expensive ones, such as a girl-bride would appreciate; not so a married lady of social standing.

On arriving at the House where the wedding luncheon or reception is to be held, the gentlemen should leave their hats in the hall. The ladies should not remove their bonnets or hats at a wedding luncheon or reception, neither should the bridesmaids do so.

Gentlemen should take off their gloves at wedding luncheons, but it is optional whether ladies do so or not.

At receptions it is optional with both ladies and gentlemen whether they take off their gloves or not.

The guests who have not already had an opportunity of speaking to the bride and bridegroom, on being ushered into the drawing-room, where the company assembles, should shake hands with them, having first gone through that ceremony with the host and hostess, if they have not already done so.

Previous to luncheon being announced the bride's father or mother should tell the principal of the gentlemen present whom to take down to luncheon. But this only applies to a sit-down luncheon.

At standing-up luncheons the guests are not sent in in couples, but go in as they please, even two or three ladies together, and little or no precedency, bridal or otherwise, is followed as a general rule.

The luncheon should be served in the dining-room, library, or large marquee, as the case may be.

The bride's mother and the bridegroom's mother should take precedence of all other ladies present on the occasion of a wedding luncheon.

At strictly Family Gatherings the Guests should go in to Luncheon in the following order:—The bride and bridegroom. The bride's father with the bridegroom's mother. The bridegroom's father with the bride's mother. The best man with the head bridesmaid. The remaining bridesmaids with the gentlemen who are to take them in to luncheon.

The rest of the company should follow in the wake of the bridesmaids. The bride should take the bridegroom's left arm.

Sitting-down luncheons and standing-up luncheons are equally fashionable, although the latter are far more general, and little or no bridal precedency is observed. When a standing-up luncheon is given, small tables are arranged for the convenience of the bridal party on one side of the room, while a long table occupies the centre of the room.

When a sitting-down luncheon is given the bride and bridegroom should sit either at the head of a long table or at the centre of it—the bride at the bridegroom's left hand. The bride's father should sit next the bride with the bridegroom's mother. When the bride and bridegroom sit at the centre of the table the bridesmaids should sit opposite to them with the gentlemen who have taken them in to luncheon; each sitting at a gentleman's right hand.

When the bride and bridegroom occupy the head of the table, the bridesmaids, with the gentlemen who have taken them in to luncheon, should place themselves next the parents on either side of the table, dividing their number into two groups.

When the bride's father is dead, her eldest brother or nearest male relative should take his place and should take the bridegroom's mother in to luncheon.

A Wedding Breakfast is now termed a luncheon, champagne and other wines take the place of tea and coffee, which beverages are not served until towards the end of the luncheon. At weddings which take place at 2.30 p.m., a luncheon is frequently given at 3, followed by a "tea" at 4.

The Luncheon Menu generally comprises soup, entrÉes both hot and cold; chickens, game, mayonnaises, salads, jellies, creams, etc., etc., and other dishes of a like character.

The sweets should be placed on the table, fruit also.

The entrÉes, etc., should be handed by the servants, the sweets should also be taken off the table by the men-servants and handed round in turn.

At a standing-up luncheon the gentlemen should help the ladies and themselves to the various dishes on the table, as dishes are not handed at this description of luncheon; hot entrÉes and soup are not given. The menu is in other respects similar.

The tables should be decorated with flowers at either a standing-up or a sitting-down luncheon. Bottles of champagne should be placed the length of the table at a standing-up luncheon; if not, the gentlemen should ask the servants in attendance for champagne for the ladies they have taken down, and for themselves. At a sitting-down luncheon the servants offer champagne to the guests in the same order in which they hand the dishes.

When the sweets have been handed the bride should cut the wedding-cake. This she does by merely making the first incision with a knife; it should then be cut by the butler into small slices, and handed on dessert plates to the guests.

The Health of the Bride and Bridegroom should then be proposed by the most distinguished guest present, for which the bridegroom should return thanks. He should then propose the health of the bridesmaids, for which the best man should return thanks.

Occasionally the gentleman of highest rank present also proposes this health in place of the bridegroom.

The health of the bride's father and mother should be proposed by the bridegroom's father.

It is now the custom to confine proposing healths at wedding luncheons within the narrowest limits. The health of the bride and bridegroom, and that of the bridesmaids being, in general, the only healths proposed.

At standing-up luncheons and at wedding receptions, the health of the bride and bridegroom only is proposed.

The Bride should leave the Dining-room immediately after the healths have been drunk, to change her dress for departure.

The head bridesmaid should accompany her, if related to her, and the guests should adjourn to the drawing-room to await the bride's reappearance, which should not be long delayed, and the adieus should then be made. Leave-takings should not be prolonged more than is absolutely necessary.

The parents should follow the bride and bridegroom into the hall, and adieus to them should there be made.

The Old-fashioned Custom of throwing satin slippers after the bride is sometimes observed, foolish as it is. It is the best man's or the head bridesmaid's privilege to perform this ridiculous act.

When rice is thrown after a bride it should be scattered by the married and not by the unmarried ladies present; but the custom, like that of throwing the so-called "confetti," is now practically obsolete in good society.

Strewing the Bride's Path with Flowers from the church to the carriage by village children is a custom much followed at weddings which take place in the country.

The Honeymoon now seldom lasts longer than a week or ten days. Many brides prefer spending their honeymoon in their future home, if it happens to be in the country, instead of making a hurried trip to Paris or elsewhere, or to spending it at the country house of a friend, lent to them for the purpose. But it is entirely a matter of individual feeling which course is taken.

The Bride's Trousseau should be marked with the initials of the name she is to take.

The Bridegroom should provide the house-linen and all other things appertaining to the bride's new home.

The Wedding Presents should be dispatched to the bride's residence immediately after the wedding, and they should at once be put into their several places, and not arranged for the purpose of being shown to visitors.

The Bridal Wreath should not be worn after the wedding-day. The bridal wreath, the bridal bouquet, and the orange blossoms from the wedding-cake, if treasured as mementos of the happy event, should be preserved in the recesses of a locked drawer in the bride's chamber, and not exhibited under glass shades in the drawing-room.

Precedence should not be accorded to a bride during the first three months after marriage, although this old-fashioned custom is sometimes followed at country dinner-parties on the occasion of a bride's first visit.

The Custom of sending Wedding Cake to friends is an exploded one, and only followed between near relations.

Wedding Cards are, strictly speaking, out of date, and only sent by people who adhere to old-fashioned customs.

The Words "No Cards" should not be inserted when the announcement of a marriage is sent to the newspapers; neither should the intimation be added that the bride and bridegroom will be "at home" on certain days.

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