Dinner giving is perhaps the most important of all social observances, therefore dinner parties rank first amongst all entertainments.

Dinner giving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon the principle of an equivalent, that those who do not give dinners hardly come within the category of diners out. This rule, however, is open to many exceptions in favour of privileged individuals, popular and prominent members of society whose presence at dinner parties is appreciated and welcomed in most circles.

Dinner-parties are of more frequent occurrence, and are of more social significance, than any other form of entertainment.

Dinner Invitations.—An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another. It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities.

The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess a certain amount of wealth, and wealth and wit do not always go hand in hand. Oftener than not, the former rather overweights the latter; hence, the introduction of a lighter element in the form of amusing people whose mÉtier in life it is to be amusing and to appear amused.Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position occupied in society by the dinner giver, but it is also a direct road to obtaining a recognized place in society. A means of enlarging a limited acquaintance and a reputation for giving good dinners is in itself a passport to fashionable society. Dinner giving, in the fullest sense of the word, is a science not easily acquired, so much depending on the talent which the host or hostess may possess for organizing dinner-parties.

When a large dinner-party is contemplated, it is usual to give three weeks' notice, but of late this notice has been extended to four, five, and even six weeks.

Diners out are rather inclined to rebel against this innovation, considering that an invitation bearing the date of a month hence pledges them to remain in town, and as it were controls their movements, for the acceptance of an invitation is in the eyes of diners out a binding obligation; only ill-health, family bereavement, or some all-important reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded.

Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at the last moment are not often retained on the dinner-list of a host or hostess.

Dinner invitations are issued in the joint names of host and hostess.

The master of the house occupies a prominent position amongst his guests, when dispensing hospitality as a "dinner giver."

From five to ten days' notice is considered sufficient for invitations to small and unceremonious dinner-parties.

Printed cards are in general use in town for issuing dinner invitations, and can be purchased from any stationer; these cards only require to be filled in with the names of host and hostess and guests, date, hour, and address. The united names of the host and hostess should be written in the space left for that purpose. Thus, "Mr. and Mrs. A.," and the name or names of the guests in the next vacant space.

When invitations are issued for small dinner-parties, it is more usual to write notes than to make use of printed cards.

Acceptances or refusals of dinner invitations should be sent with as little delay as possible after the invitations have been received. It is a want of courtesy on the part of a person invited not to do so, as a hostess is otherwise left in doubt as to whether the person invited intends dining with her or not, and is consequently unable to fill up the vacant place with an eligible substitute; thus rendering her dinner-party an ill-assorted one.

An answer to an invitation cannot be solicited in a subsequent note; it is therefore incumbent upon the invited person to dispatch an answer within a day or two at least. Dinner invitations are either sent by post or by a servant, and the answers are also conveyed in a like manner.

Dinner invitations are invariably sent out by the hostess.

It is not usual in town to invite more than three members of one family; it is now the custom to ask young ladies with their parents to dinner-parties.

Receiving Dinner-Guests.—The guests should arrive within fifteen minutes of the hour named on the invitation card.

On no occasion is punctuality more imperative than in the case of dining out; formerly many allowed themselves great latitude in this respect, and a long wait for the tardy guests was the result. A host and hostess frequently waited over half an hour for expected guests. But now punctuality has become the rule in the highest circles, and dinner is served within twenty minutes of the arrival of the first guest. In general, people much given to dining out make a point of arriving in good time; but there are many in society who presume upon their position, and are proverbially unpunctual, knowing that in the height of the season a hostess would wait half an hour rather than sit down to dinner without them; but this want of consideration soon becomes known in their different sets, and is always taken into account when "their company is requested at dinner."

In France, it is not the rule, or the custom, to wait dinner for late arrivals, and the dinner is served punctually to the hour named in the invitation.

The dinner-hour varies from eight to nine, although perhaps 8.30 is the most usual hour. In the country it ranges from 7.30 to 8.30.

Punctuality on the part of the guests enables the hostess to make any introductions she may consider advisable before dinner is served.

The host and hostess should be in readiness to receive their guests in the drawing-room at the hour specified on the card.

On arrival, a lady should take off her cloak in the cloak-room, or should leave it in the hall with the servant in attendance, before entering the drawing-room.

A gentleman should leave his overcoat and hat in the gentlemen's cloak-room, or in the hall.

At large dinner-parties, the butler is stationed on the staircase, and announces the guests as they arrive. At small dinner-parties, or where only one man-servant is kept, the servant precedes the guest or guests on their arrival, to the drawing-room. The guests should then give their names to the servant, that he may announce them.

A lady and gentleman, on being announced, should not enter the drawing-room arm-in-arm or side by side. The lady or ladies, if more than one, should enter the room in advance of the gentleman, although the servant announces "Mr., Mrs., and Miss A."

The host and hostess should come forward and shake hands with each guest on arrival. The ladies should at once seat themselves, but gentlemen either stand about the room and talk to each other, or sit down after a wait of some minutes.

When a lady is acquainted with many of the guests present, she should not make her way at once to shake hands with all, but should make an opportunity to do so in an unobtrusive manner; it would be sufficient to recognise them by a nod or a smile in the mean time. A lady should bow to any gentleman she knows, and he should cross the room to shake hands with her at once if disengaged.

At a small dinner-party, where the guests are unacquainted, the hostess should introduce the persons of highest rank to each other; but at a large dinner-party, she would not do so, unless she had some especial reason for making the introduction.

In the country, introductions at dinner-parties are far oftener made than in town.

Precedency is strictly observed at all dinner-parties. (See Chapter V.)

Sending Guests in to Dinner.—The host should take the lady of highest rank present in to dinner, and the gentleman of highest rank should take the hostess. This rule is absolute, unless the lady or gentleman of highest rank is related to the host or hostess, in which case his or her rank would be in abeyance, out of courtesy to the other guests.

A husband and wife, or a father and daughter, or a mother and son, should not be sent in to dinner together.

A host and hostess should, if possible, invite an equal number of ladies and gentlemen. It is usual to invite two or more gentlemen than there are ladies, in order that the married ladies should not be obliged to go in to dinner with each other's husbands only. Thus, Mrs. A. and Mr. B., Mr. B. and Mrs. A., Mrs. B. should be taken in to dinner by Mr. C., and Mr. A. should take Mrs. G., and so on.

When ladies are in a majority at a dinner-party to the extent of two or three, the ladies of highest rank should be taken in to dinner by the gentlemen present, and the remaining ladies should follow by themselves; but such an arrangement is unusual and undesirable, though sometimes unavoidable when the dinner-party is an impromptu one, for instance, and the notice given has been but a short one.

If there should be one gentleman short of the number required, the hostess frequently goes in to dinner by herself, following in the wake of the last couple.

The usual mode of sending guests in to dinner is for the host or hostess to inform each gentleman, shortly after his arrival, which of the ladies he is to take in to dinner.

No "choice" is given to any gentleman as to which of the ladies he would prefer taking in to dinner, it being simply a question of precedency.

Should any difficulty arise as to the order in which the guests should follow the host to the dining-room, the hostess, knowing the precedency due to each of her guests, should indicate to each gentleman when it is his turn to descend to the dining-room. He should then offer his arm to the lady whom the host had previously desired him to take in to dinner.

Dinner is announced by the butler or man-servant.

When the guests have arrived, or when the host desires dinner to be served, he should ring or inform the servant accordingly.

On dinner being announced, the host should give his right arm to the lady of highest rank present, and, with her, lead the way to the dining-room, followed by the lady second in rank, with a gentleman second in rank and so on. The gentleman of highest rank present should follow last with the hostess.

When the second couple are about to leave the drawing-room, the hostess frequently requests each gentleman in turn to follow with a lady according to the precedency due to each. Thus, "Mr. A., will you take Mrs. B.?" This also answers the purpose of an introduction, should the couple be unacquainted with each other, and the hostess has not found an opportunity of introducing them to each other on their arrival.

When a case of precedency occurs, in which either the lady or gentleman must waive their right of precedence, that of the gentleman gives way to that of the lady. (See Chapter V.)

A gentleman should offer his right arm to a lady on leaving the drawing-room.

Ladies and gentlemen should not proceed to the dining-room in silence, but should at once enter into conversation with each other. (See the work entitled "The Art of Conversing.")

On entering the dining-room the lady whom the host has taken in to dinner should seat herself at his right hand. On the Continent this custom is reversed, and it is etiquette for the lady to sit at the left hand of the gentleman by whom she is taken in to dinner.

The host should remain standing in his place, at the bottom of the table, until the guests have taken their seats, and should motion the various couples as they enter the dining-room to the places he wishes them to occupy at the table. This is the most usual method of placing the guests at the dinner-table. When the host does not indicate where they are to sit, they sit near to the host or hostess according to precedency.

The host and hostess should arrange beforehand the places they wish their guests to occupy at the dinner-table.

If a host did not indicate to the guests the various places he wished them to occupy, the result would probably be that husbands and wives would be seated side by side, or uncongenial people would sit together.

The custom of putting a card with the name of the guest on the table in the place allotted to each individual guest is frequently followed at large dinner-parties, and in some instances the name of each guest is printed on a menu and placed in front of each cover.

The host and the lady taken in to dinner by him should sit at the bottom of the table. He should sit in the centre at the bottom of the table and place the lady whom he has taken down at his right hand. The same rule applies to the hostess. She should sit in the centre at the top of the table, the gentleman by whom she has been taken in to dinner being placed at her left hand.

The lady second in rank should sit at the host's left hand.

Each lady should sit at the right hand of the gentleman by whom she is taken in to dinner.

It is solely a matter of inclination whether a lady and gentleman, who have gone in to dinner together, converse with each other only, or with their right-and left-hand neighbours also, but they usually find some topic of conversation in common, otherwise a dinner-party would prove but a succession of tÊte-À-tÊte.

The Menus are placed the length of the table, on an average one to two persons or occasionally one to each person, and the menu cards are elaborate or simple, according to individual taste, and are purchased printed for the purpose, having a space for the names of the dishes to be filled in, which is usually done by the mistress of the house, unless the establishment is on a large scale, it being usual to write them out in French.

Fanciful menu holders are much in use.

The use of menus would be pretentious at a small dinner-party when there is but little choice of dishes; but when there is a choice of dishes a menu is indispensable.

The Usual and Fashionable Mode of serving Dinner is called DÎner À la Russe, although at small or friendly dinners the host sometimes prefers to carve the joint himself in the first course, and the birds in the second course. But dinner-tables, whether for dining À la Russe, or for dining en famille, are invariably arranged in the same style, the difference being merely the extent of the display made as regards flowers, plate and glass, which are the accessories of the dining-table.

When the host helps the soup, a small ladleful for each person is the proper quantity; a soup-plate should not be filled with soup.

When the party is a small one, and the joints or birds are carved by the host, the portions should be handed to the guests in the order in which they are seated, although occasionally the ladies are helped before the gentlemen.

The rule at all dinner-parties is for the servant to commence serving by handing the dishes to the lady seated at the host's right hand, then to the lady seated at the host's left hand, and from thence the length of the table to each guest in the order seated, irrespective of sex.

Double entrÉes should be provided at large dinner-parties, and the servants should commence handing the dishes at both sides of the table simultaneously.

DÎner À la Russe is the Russian fashion introduced into society many years ago. The whole of the dinner is served from a side-table, no dishes whatever being placed on the table save dishes of fruit.

Dinner-table Decorations.—As regards the most correct style of dinner-table decorations, they offer great diversity of arrangement.

High centre pieces and low centre pieces. Low specimen glasses placed the length of the table and trails of creepers and flowers laid on the table-cloth itself are some of the prevailing features of the day, but table decorations are essentially a matter of taste rather than of etiquette, and the extent of these decorations depends very much upon the size of the plate chest and the length of the purse of the dinner giver.The fruit for dessert is usually arranged down the centre of the table, amidst the flowers and plate. Some dinner-tables are also adorned with a variety of French conceits besides fruit and flowers; other dinner-tables are decorated with flowers and plate only, the dessert not being placed on the table at all; but this latter mode can only be adopted by those who can make a lavish display of flowers and plate in the place of fruit.

As regards lighting the dinner table. Electric light is now in general use in town, and more or less in the country when possible. When not available, lamps and wax candles are used as heretofore. The shades in use should be carefully chosen as they add greatly to the comfort of the guests and to the success of the lighting. Silver candlesticks are often fitted with small electric lamps, and handsome silver lamps are brought into use in a similar manner for the dinner table.

The term "cover" signifies the place laid at table for each person. It consists of a table-spoon for soup, fish knife and fork, two knives, two large forks, and glasses for wines given. For such arrangements see chapter "Waiting at dinner" in the work entitled "Waiting at Table."

Sherry is always drunk after soup, hock with the fish after the soup. Champagne is drunk immediately after the first entrÉe has been served, and during the remainder of dinner until dessert. Claret, sherry, port, and Madeira are the wines drunk at dessert, and not champagne, as it is essentially a dinner wine. When liqueurs are given they are handed after the ices.

Dinner-table Etiquette.—Soup should be eaten with a table-spoon and not with a dessert-spoon, it would be out of place to use a dessert-spoon for that purpose. Dessert-spoons, as their name implies, are intended for other purposes, such as for eating fruit-tarts, custard-puddings, etc., or any sweet that is not sufficiently substantial to be eaten with a fork.

Fish should be eaten with a silver fork when possible, otherwise with a silver fish knife and fork.

All made dishes, such as quenelles, rissoles, patties, etc., should be eaten with a fork only, and not with a knife and fork.

For sweetbreads and cutlets, etc., a knife and fork are requisite; and, as a matter of course, for poultry, game, etc.

In eating asparagus, a knife and fork should be used, and the points should be cut off and eaten with a fork as is seakale, etc.

Salad should be eaten with a knife and fork; it is served on salad plates, which are placed beside the dinner-plates.

Cucumber is eaten off the dinner-plate, and not off a separate plate.

Peas should be eaten with a fork.

In eating game or poultry, the bone of either wing or leg should not be touched with the fingers, but the meat cut close off the bone; and if a wing it is best to sever it at the joint, by which means the meat is cut off far more easily.

Pastry should be eaten with a fork, but in the case of a fruit tart, a dessert-spoon should be used as well as a fork, but only for the purpose of conveying the fruit and juice to the mouth; and in the case of stone fruit—cherries, damsons, plums, etc.—either the dessert-spoon or fork should be raised to the lips to receive the stones, which should be placed at the side of the plate; but when the fruit stones are of larger size, they should be separated from the fruit with the fork and spoon, and left on the plate, and not put into the mouth; and whenever it is possible to separate the stones from the fruit it is best to do so.

Jellies, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork, as should be all sweets sufficiently substantial to admit of it.When eating cheese, small morsels of the cheese should be placed with the knife on small morsels of bread, and the two conveyed to the mouth with the thumb and finger, the piece of bread being the morsel to hold, as cheese should not be taken up in the fingers, and should not be eaten off the point of the knife.[3]

The finger-glass should be removed from the ice-plate and placed on the left-hand side of the dessert-plate. When ices are not given, the d'oyley should be removed with the finger-glass and placed beneath it.

When eating grapes, the half-closed hand should be placed to the mouth, and the stones and skins allowed to fall into the fingers, and placed on the side of the plate. Some persons bend the head so as to allow of the stones and skins of the grapes falling on the side of the plate; but this latter way is old-fashioned, and seldom followed. Cherries and other small stone-fruit should be eaten in the way grapes are eaten, also gooseberries.

When strawberries and raspberries, etc., are not eaten with cream, they should be eaten from the stalks; when eaten with cream, a dessert-spoon should be used to remove them from the stalks. When served in the American fashion without stalks, both fork and spoon should be used.

Pears and apples should be peeled and cut into halves and quarters with a fruit-knife and fork, as should peaches, nectarines, and apricots.

Melons should be eaten with a spoon and fork.

Pines with knife and fork.

The dessert is handed to the guests in the order in which the dinner has been served.[4]

When the guests have been helped to wine, and the servants have left the dining-room, the host should pass the decanters to his guests, commencing with the gentleman nearest to him.

It is not the fashion for gentlemen to drink wine with each other either at dinner or dessert, and the guest fills his glass or not, according to inclination.

Ladies are not supposed to require a second glass of wine at dessert, and passing the decanters is principally for the gentlemen. If a lady should require a second glass of wine at dessert, the gentleman seated next to her would fill her glass; she should not help herself to wine. After the wine has been passed once around the table, or about ten minutes after the servants have left the dining-room, the hostess should give the signal for the ladies to leave the dining-room, by bowing to the lady of highest rank present, seated at the host's right hand. She should then rise from her seat, as should all the ladies on seeing her do so.

The gentlemen should rise also, and remain standing by their chairs until the ladies have quitted the room, which they should do in the order in which they have entered it, the lady of highest rank leading the way, the hostess following last.

The host, or the gentleman nearest the door, should open it for the ladies to pass out, and close it after them.

When the ladies have left the dining-room, the gentlemen should close up as near to the host as possible, so as to render conversation general.

The wines usually drunk by gentlemen after dinner are claret of a fine quality, and port.

The ladies on leaving the dining-room return to the drawing-room. Coffee should be almost immediately brought to the drawing-room. The coffee-cups containing coffee should be brought on a silver salver, with a cream-jug and a basin of crystallised sugar.

In large country houses coffee is sometimes brought in a silver coffee-pot, and the lady would then pour out her own coffee, the servant holding the salver the meanwhile.Coffee should be taken a few minutes later to the dining-room, and either handed to the gentlemen, or placed on the table, that they may help themselves (see the work previously referred to).

A very general plan is, after the wine has gone round once or twice, for the host to offer cigarettes, which are smoked before the gentlemen join the ladies in the drawing-room.

After coffee, the gentleman of highest rank should leave the dining-room first. The host would not propose an adjournment to the drawing-room, until he observed a wish to do so on the part of his guests, but there is no hard and fast rule on this head.

It is not now the fashion for gentlemen to sit over their wine beyond fifteen or twenty minutes at the utmost, instead of as formerly, from three-quarters of an hour to an hour, a change much appreciated by hostesses.

On the Continent the gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing-room, and do not remain in the dining-room as in England.

The gentleman of highest rank present could suggest an adjournment to the drawing-room within a quarter of an hour if he thought proper to do so. If the other guests were engaged in a discussion in which he did not wish to take part, having suggested the adjournment, he could leave the dining-room to join the ladies in the drawing-room; but as a rule, the gentlemen leave the dining-room together, the host following last.

The host should ring the dining-room bell before leaving the room, as an intimation to the butler that the gentlemen have left the room.

At ceremonious dinner-parties in town neither music nor cards are introduced during the usual half-hour passed in the drawing-room before the hour for departure.

At country-house dinner-parties music or round games of cards are in request.

Departure after Dinner.—There is no rule as to the order in which the guests should take their leave. Half-past ten is the usual hour for general departure; and the butler announces the several carriages as they arrive to the guests in the drawing-room. But if any lady wished to inquire if her carriage had arrived, she should ask the hostess's permission to do so; and the bell would be rung for the purpose of making the enquiry. The same remark applies to ordering a cab: the lady should ask the hostess if one might be ordered for her.

The hostess should shake hands with all her guests on their departure, rising from her seat to do so.

Each guest on departure should shake hands with both host and hostess.

If, on leaving the room, acquaintances should pass each other, they should wish each other good-night, but they should not make the tour of the rooms for the purpose of so doing.

The host should conduct one or two of the principal of his lady guests to their carriages.

The ladies should put on their cloaks in the cloak-room, the host waiting in the hall meanwhile.

A gentleman related to the host or hostess, or a friend of the family, could offer to conduct a lady to her carriage if the host were otherwise engaged.

Gratuities should never be offered by the guests at a dinner-party to the servants in attendance. Gentlemen should not offer fees to the men-servants, neither should ladies to the lady's-maid in attendance.

The guests should call on the hostess within a week or ten days after a dinner-party. If "not at home," a married lady should leave one of her own cards and two of her husband's; a widow should leave one of her own cards; a bachelor or a widower should leave two cards.

The rule as to calling after dinner-parties is greatly relaxed between intimate friends, and the call often omitted altogether; and this more particularly as regards gentlemen, whose occupations during the day are considered good and sufficient reasons for not calling.

Country Dinner-parties.—In the country, new acquaintances, if neighbours, should be asked to dinner within a month of the first call if possible, and the return invitation should be given within the following month.

When guests are assembled at a country house, they are sent in to dinner, on the first evening, according to their individual precedence; but on subsequent evenings the gentlemen frequently draw lots to decide which lady they shall have the pleasure of taking in to dinner, otherwise a lady and gentleman would go in to dinner together five or six consecutive times, according to the length of the visit, but this is more a practice with people who march with the times, than with what are termed "old-fashioned people."

When a party is varied by additional dinner-guests each evening, drawing lots gives way to precedency, it being too familiar a practice to be adopted at a large dinner-party.

Saying Grace, both before and after 'dinner,' is a matter of feeling rather than of etiquette. It used to be very much the custom to say "grace," but of late years it is oftener omitted than not, especially at large dinner-parties in town.

In the country, when a clergyman is present, he should be asked to say grace. When grace is said by the host, it is said in a low voice, and in a very few words; the guests inclining their heads the while.

It was no rapid revolutionary change in manners that brought about the difference that now exists between the Elizabethan and present eras; no polished mentor came forward to teach that it was not the nicest and cleanest to do, to put knives into the salt, to dip fingers into plates, or to spread butter with the thumb; on the contrary, these things righted themselves little by little, step by step, until the present code of manners was arrived at. But it is quite possible that a hundred years hence it will be discovered that the manners of the present century offered wide scope for improvement.

In the meantime these rules of etiquette observed in society are adhered to and followed by those who do not wish to appear singular, eccentric, old-fashioned, unconventional, or any other adjective that the temper of their judges may induce them to apply to them for committing solecisms, either small or great.

Married Ladies, as a rule, dine out with their Husbands, and do not accept invitations to large dinners when their husbands are unable to accompany them. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule, and circumstances sometimes arise when it is greatly relaxed; but even in this case it would be in favour of small and friendly dinners rather than large ones.

During any temporary absence of her husband, a lady would accept invitations to dine with her relatives and intimate friends, though she might refuse invitations to large dinners given by acquaintances; but, as a rule, when it is well known that the head of a house is away for any length of time, invitations are seldom sent to the wife by givers of large dinners.

When young ladies are invited to dinner they accompany their father, mother or brother; but occasionally, when a young ladies' party is given by a friend of their parents', the young ladies are invited alone, and they should either go with their maid in a cab or by themselves in their father's carriage.