  What games are most played by soldiers? Hazard and picket! How do you spell “blind pig” in two letters? P G—pig without an I! Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it’s the Holy Land (whole island). What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the other tidy. Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common tatur. What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? The drum. High-toned—a church bell. When is a soldier like a carpenter? When he is going to drill. When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs? When he has a sty in his eye! Why is the letter K like a pig’s tail? Because it’s at the end of pork! Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? Because he departs from his sphere of action. If a Colt’s pistol has six barrels, how many ought a horse pistol to have? Give it up. If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A bee-attitude! What prevents a running river running right away? Why, it’s tied up! What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? The wind blue—the waves rose. A modern spinning-wheel—the bicycle. How can you, by changing the pronunciation of a word only, turn mirth into crime? By making man’s laughter man-slaughter! Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports! State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and an apothecary’s boy with a pestle and mortar? One weighs a pound, the other pounds away. Why is a rumseller’s trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by conducting it with good spirits, he has more bargains than most others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid. Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto them! What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day! Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly squandering it? Because in either case I am—ass! What word is it which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own opposite? United; untied. Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? Because he has picked-yours (pictures)! Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned the fall of man. Inform us concerning the difference which exists between a soldier fighting in battle and one who has had his legs shot off? One will discharge his musket, the other mus’ get his discharge. Who was Jonah’s tutor? The whale that brought him up! What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards. What is the difference between a horse who, being entered for a race, is withdrawn, and one who starts in a race and is beaten? One fails to start, and the other starts to fail. What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which, if we had not, we should die? A swallow. What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye! A castle in the (h)air! What word it is of only three syllables which combines in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet. If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be reminded of? A pair! What flowers are there between a lady’s nose and chin? Two-lips! O and P run a race; we bet upon O, but P wins; why are we then like the fragrant Latakiah which is given us when we ask for the homely bird’s-eye? Because it was wrong tobacco (to back O). Why is a woman’s beauty like a ten-dollar greenback? Because when once changed it soon goes! What part of Spain does our cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone here! (Catalonia). Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn’t fit for use till it’s broken. Why is a fashionable woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways. When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can’t get on without his “club!” A member of the Travelers’ wants to know what dish he must have ordered for dinner to be like one journeying to Tangier? We say he must be going to Africa see (’ave fricassee). Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till her beau comes, and can’t go off without one. What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? A Dutch—S. When is a secret like a paint-brush? When it’s in violet (inviolate). Why is green grass like a mouse? Because the cattle eat it (cat’ll eat it). Why is tea more generally drunk now than a year or two back? Because, having got rid of the garroters, we are less accustomed to choke-o’-late (chocolate). When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast. There’s a word composed of three letters alone Which reads backwards and forwards the same; It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, And to beauty lays principal claim! Eye. Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth. Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in “cucumber?” Because it’s between two seas. What Christian name, besides Anna, reads the same both ways? Hannah. When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it is smoked. A Fiddle D.D.—A doctor of divinity who plays the violin. Why is a whisper like a forged $5 note? Because it’s uttered—but not aloud (allowed). What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n. Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis). When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He gets wet! When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When asked, “What o’clock, and where’s the cold chicken?” if she replies, “Sure it’s ate!” Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. What, oh! what is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your addresses. What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme. When does a man have to keep his word? When no one will take it. When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled. Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything. Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the top of a shot-tower? Because they are both in a high cool an’ airy (culinary) situation! Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss. Talking about colts (pistols, revolvers, etc.), how is it that guns can kick when they have no legs? Why, they kick with their breeches, of course. What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip! Who were your grandfather’s first cousin’s sister’s son’s brother’s forefathers? Why, his aunt’s sisters, of course (ancestors). What fashionable game do frogs play at—besides leap-frog? Croaky! When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously obtained. Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind—“Over the hills and far away!” Why is a youth encouraging a mustache like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down. What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating-rink. When may you be said to literally “drink in” music? When you have a piano for tea. If you were invited to an assembly, what single word would call the musicians to their posts, and at the same time tell you the hour to begin dancing? At ten dance (attendance). What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? Oroonoko. What is the difference between homicide and pig-sticking? One is assault with intent to kill, the other a kill with intent to salt. Why do rusty iron spikes on a wall remind you of ice? Because they are so often called a “shiver de freeze.” Why is a room full of married folks like a room empty? Because there is not a single person in it. What is that which makes everything visible, but is itself unseen? Light. My first’s a dirty little brute, My second’s at the end on’t; My third, like many an honest man, Is on a fool dependent. Pig-tail. Why does the lightning turn milk sour? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself. Why was Eve made? For Adam’s Express Company. What are the most disagreeable articles for a man to keep on hand? Hand-cuffs. Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are locomotive engines like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes). Why is a judge’s nose like the middle of the earth? Because it’s the center of gravity. Do you know what the oldest piece of furniture in the world is? The multiplication-table! An old maid’s laugh—he! he! he! Why is a pretty girl’s pleased-merry-bright-laughing eye no better than an eye destroyed? Because it’s an-eye-elated. What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an impression. What’s the difference between a professional piano-forte player and one that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play. What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he’s got one to wag. What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adam ain’t in! (adamantine.) My number, definite and known, Is ten times ten, told ten times o’er; Though half of me is one alone, And half exceeds all count and score. Thou-sand. At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve. Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and destroy patients. What is the proper length for ladies’ crinoline? A little above two feet. What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs! Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want puttin’ out. Why is our meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully! What three figures, multiplied by 4, will make precisely 5? 1 1-4, or 1.25. Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing! Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally some good stories in it. Do you know the soldier’s definition of a kiss? A report at head-quarters! Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons! The downward path—The one with a banana-skin on it. Hair’em-scare’em—Bangs. Always happy to meat friends—Butchers. A sweet thing in bric-a-brac—An Egyptian molasses-jug. A sky-light—the sun. Companions in arms—Twins. A thing that no family should be without—A marriage certificate. A faux pas—Her father. A Jersey waste—Newark flats. Called bonds—Marriage ties. Invisible blew—The wind. Bachelors haul—An heiress. Faithful to beauty’s charms and grace, The form of loveliness I trace; But ev’ry blemish I detect, And point out every defect. Though long a fav’rite with the fair, I sometimes fill them with despair. But still I’m consulted ev’ry day By the old and young—the sad, the gay; All fly to me, so fam’d for truth, Uninfluenced by age or youth; For I neither flatter nor defame; So now, I think, you’ll guess my name. A looking-glass. Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping? Because he’s a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast. Why is riding fast up a steep ascent like a little dog’s female puppy suffering from the rheumatism? Because it is a gal-pup-ill (gall(o)p up (h)ill. What is a dogma—not a dog ma—a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl. Why is a turnpike like a dead dog’s tail? Because it stops a waggin. Ah! but how did the sandwiches get there? Because Ham was sent there, and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d. Why is the Hebrew persuasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is one that admits of no gammon. What is the most ancient mention made of a banking transaction? When Pharaoh got a check on the Red Sea Bank, which was crossed by Moses. Why are greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the produce of Abraham. What parts of what animals are like the spring and autumn gales? The equine hocks (equinox). Two gamblers were sitting Striving to cheat each other, And, by a cunning trick, my last Had raised a fearful bother. The one who lost he looked my first, But he who won assumed my whole, Which little did the luckless one Amid his bitter grief console. Since both were rogues, we will not screen them— There was not my second to choose between them. Grim-ace. Who was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom. Which eat most grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are more of them. What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One curls up and dies, and the other makes faces and busts. What is the difference between a mother with a large family and a barber? One shaves with his razors, and the other raises her shavers. My love for you will never know My first, nor get my second: ’Tis like your wit and beauty, so My whole ’twill aye be reckoned. End-less. When does a gourmand find it impossible to bridle—we ought, perhaps, to say curb—his appetite? When he wants a bit in his mouth out of a saddle of mutton. May my first never be lost in my second, To prevent me enjoying my whole. Friend-ship. Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well! Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling due (dew). Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly-married couples? Because they are accustomed to seaside dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible! Cut off my head, and singular I am; Cut off my tail, and plural I appear; Cut off both head and tail, and, wondrous fact, Although my middle’s left, there’s nothing there. What is my head?—a sounding sea; What is my tail?—a flowing river; In ocean’s greatest depths I fearless play, Parent of sweetest sounds though mute forever. Cod. Why is a dog’s tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saw it before. Why does a nobleman’s title sometimes become extinct? Because, though the Queen can make a man appear (a peer), she can’t make him apparent (a parent). Why is the Prince of Wales, musing on his mother’s government, like a rainbow? Because it’s the son’s (sun’s) reflection on a steady reign (rain)! Why was Louis Phillippe like a very wet day? Because he rained (reigned) as long as he could, and then—mizzled! When Louis Phillippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his subjects? Because, whilst he only lost a crown, they lost a sovereign. Why is the final letter in Europe like a Parisian riot? Because it’s an E-mute. What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob—without a crown. Without my first no man nor beast could live. It was my second who my first did give; And now vain man assumes my second’s name, And to my first makes his resistless claim. Oh, luckless they who feel the harsh control, When cold and heartless proves my grasping whole. Land-lord. Why are ballet-women so wicked? Because they are never content until they execute their pas. Give a good definition for cant? Spirits of whine! In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones? Formerly they were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now we have drawers of wood and ewers of water! Why does a man who has been all his life a hewer of wood, that is, a wood-cutter, never come home to dinner? Because he’s not only bre(a)d there, but he’s always a chop(p)in’ the wood! Why should the poet have expected the woodman to “spare that tree?” Because he thought he was a good feller! What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou? And it wilted. What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as, when burned, they’re ashes still. If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? Tre-mend-us! And when is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored (board) from its length! What did the rose say to the sun? Blow me! Ah! but what did the sun say to the rose? You be blowed! What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-nets! Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Because it takes in too much Monongahela at Pittsburgh, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking opposite Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville. When is the Hudson river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water. My first she was a serving-maid— She went to fetch some tea; How much she brought my second tells, As plainly as can be. Now when you have the answer found, Name it to others too; My whole is just the very thing, In telling them, you’ll do. Ann-ounce. Which are the lightest men—Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England, on the Thames, they have lighter-men. What Islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira. Tell us the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment! And, per contra, when does a man sit down to a melancholy—we had nearly said melon-cholic—dessert? When he sits down to whine and to pine. Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? A sly friend promptly replies, “Why, in the dark, of course.” Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there’s a man in it. Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) the heavens since the creation. Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s, in both. What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches, length nine inches, and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? A shoe. What pomatum do you imagine a woman with very pretty feet uses for her hair? Neet-foot-oil. Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity is the soul (sole) of it. Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness. If a gentleman asked his lady-love to take one kind of wine, while he drank another, what two countries would he name? Port-you-gal, I’ll have White (Portugal—Isle of Wight). Why should a teetotaler not have a wife? Because he can’t sup-porter. What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A pig’s-tye, of course. Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water. How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of black? Buy the above quantities in New York, and send them up to Yonkers. Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman going up to Vesuvius? Because, sure, he’s trying to get at the mouth of the crater! What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead! Why is marriage with a deceased wife’s sister like the wedding of two fish? Because it’s a-finny-tie (affinity). A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was this? He had two—and one smelt! Suppose we begin with my second TRANSPOSED, A comical way of beginning, But many a horse that starts last in the race Is first at the post for the winning. Well, my second transposed, is a terrible snare; It has broken the hearts of a million or more, Has put rags on the back, filled asylums and jails, And driven my whole from the door. Now, if you would my first (teetotalers say), The victims of sorrow and wrong, Set them an example, the curse throw away, Your joy will be great, and your life will be long. Bless-ing. Who would travel fastest—a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when they would be lighter than a sack of flour. Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal. My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can’t keep it at all? Sunday. On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside! Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age (pasturage). Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he’s a younker (young cur). What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a man and often a woman? A toast! What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it! As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet, please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a! Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. Why is it right B should come before C? Because we must B before we can C. Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will. Why are two T’s like hops! Because they make beer better. Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate. Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame. Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers’ daughters. Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck. Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled (told). What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking. What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The letter I. Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to make shifts. Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil officers. Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a t of being a trifle. Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of reigns (rains). Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs are common there. When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano for-te(a). Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of pains (panes). Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they scintillate (sin till late). Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives from hand to mouth. Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons. Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of the one and fining of the other. Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion? Because they bolt doors. When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water. Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she is an extraordinary one. Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because it has a pupil under the lash. Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine? Because she is a diving belle (bell). Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he is always looking for a hire (higher). Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent. Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth. Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English and French? Because they were all lies (allies). Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce. Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter). If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away. When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent). Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day afterwards they are in the United States. Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A wig. A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the rest flew away. The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery. The fellow who rushed into business “run out” again in a short time. How to get a good wife—Take a good girl and go to the parson. How to strike a happy medium—Hit a drunken spiritualist. The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended. The movement that was “on foot” has taken a carriage. Hearty laugh—One that gets down among the ribs. Epitaph for a cannibal—“One who loved his fellow-men.” A squeeze in grain—Treading on a man’s corn. To get a cheap dancing lesson—Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn. Why is a candle with a “long nose” like a contented man? Because it wants (s)nuffin. When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it’s pouring over a book-stall. A hand-to-hand affair—Marriage. Bridal chambers—Harness room. The only kind of cake children don’t cry after—A cake of soap. Housewife’s motto—Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might. Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up. It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on the holders. In making wills, some are left out and others are left “tin.” The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her powder dry. Something that carries conviction with it—A police-van. How to make a slow horse fast—Don’t feed him. Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad potato. The original wire-pullers—Irish harpers. A place for everything—Baby’s mouth. A stuck-up thing—A show-bill. Cheap country-seat—A stump. Sheer cruelty—Clipping sheep. Song of the mouse—“Hear me gnaw, ma.” To get along well—dig it deep. A growing industry—Farming. Why is “T” like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth and water. A two-foot rule—Making “rights” and “lefts.” Much as he loves roast beef, John Bull is continually getting into an Irish stew. Why is the nine-year-old boy like the sick glutton? Because he’s over eight. A dangerous character—A man who “takes life” cheerfully. Which of the reptiles is a mathematician? The adder. Why cannot a woman become a successful lawyer? Because she is too fond of giving her opinion without being paid for it. An unvarnished tail—A monkey’s. No head nor tail to it—A circle. Why is a rosebud like a promissory note? Because it matures by falling dew. How do lawyers often prove their love to their neighbors? By attachment. Two things that go off in a hurry—An arrow dismissed by a beau, and a beau dismissed by a belle. A dangerous collision—Running into debt. An ex-plainer—A retired carpenter. A great singer—The tea-kettle. Blood relations—War stories. How can a rare piece of acting be well done? A felt hat—One that gives you the headache. The egotist always has an I for the main chance. When are thieves like leopards? When they are “spotted.” To be let—Some young swells’ faces—they are generally vacant. A winning hand—The shapely one which is incased in a No. 6 perfect-fitting kid glove. A willing man—A testator. Celestial timber—Sunbeams. Hope is the hanker of the soul. The oldest revolver—The earth. Hereditary traits—Family portraits. Good size for man or woman—Exercise. A water-spout—A temperance oration. Sweetness and light—The burning of a sugar refinery. Home-rule—Your wife’s opinion. A “sheet” anchor—A clothes pin. Always open to conviction—A thief. The nobbiest thing in boots is a bunion. A thing that kicks without legs—a gun. A motto for young lovers—So-fa and no-father. The key to the convict’s troubles is the turn-key. Wanted—An artist to paint the very picture of health. When is an estate like a watch? When it is wound up. When is a house not a house? When it is a-fire. Why is a box on the ears like a hat? Because it is felt. Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest companion? Because she is always a-musing. Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates. What plaything may be deemed above every other. A top. Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing. Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person. Because it won’t answer. Why is the letter l in the word military like the nose? Because it stands between two i’s. What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? They go round with the world. The motto of the giraffe—Neck or nothing. A paying business—The cashier’s. Always under the lash—The eye. Romantic youth, rheumatic age. A striking affair—A prize-fight. Where did the gas-man meter. All barbers can’t razor beard. Ex-spurts—Retired firemen. Missing men—Bad marksmen. The popular diet for gymnasts—Turn-overs. A plain-dealing man—One who sells them. Perpetual motion—Scandal. Always in haste—The letter h. Preventives of consumption—High prices. Handy book-markers—Dirty fingers. A two-foot rule—Don’t stumble. When can a lamp be said to be in a bad temper? When it is put out. Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know his own station and to stop there. Why is a spendthrift’s purse like a thunder-cloud? Because it is continually lightning. Why is a boy almost always more noisy than a girl? Because he is more son-orous. An aggravating girl—Miss Deal. A water-course—A series of temperance lectures. Attachment notice—The announcement of a marriage engagement. A shocking disaster—An earthquake. What is more chilling to an ardent lover than the beautiful’s no? A serious movement on foot—The coming corn or bunion. Where do ghosts come from?—From gnome man’s land. High-toned men—The tenor singers. To make a Venetian blind—Put out his eyes. The retired list—A hotel register at mid-night. Which is the debtor’s favorite tree?—The willow (will owe). It isn’t the girl that is loaded with powder who goes off the easiest. What does an aeronaut do after inflating his balloon? He highs himself away on his trip. Something of a wag—The tip of a dog’s tail. A wedding invitation—Asking a girl to marry you. Good name for a bull-dog—Agrippa. Flying rumors are necessarily groundless. Why ought Lent to pass very rapidly? Because there are so many fast days in it. It is no sign because a man makes a stir in the community that he is a spoon. What is that which must play before it can work? A fire-engine. A man ever ready to scrape an acquaintance—The barber. Hush money—The money paid the baby’s nurse. When may you suppose an umbrella to be one mass of grease? When it’s dripping. Bootblacks are friendly little fellows. They “take a shine” to anybody. A dress for the concert-room—Organ-di muslin with fluted flounces. Difficult punctuation—Putting a stop to a gossip’s tongue. A hard case—The oyster’s. What are the dimensions of a little elbow room? What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait. What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty? A big hole. An old off-ender—The ship’s rudder. Men who “stick” at their work—printers. Men who do light work—lamplighters. Men who work with a will—lawyers. If you would make a good deal of money at card-playing, you should make a good deal. Joy is the feeling that you are better off than your neighbor. A matchless story—one in which there are no weddings. The only tree known to have teeth. Dentistry. Dropping the “h” is an ex-aspirating habit. If you would not be pitted, get vaccinated. Has great heeling properties. The mule. Barren mountains are not worth ascent. An ancient warrior poet—Shakespeare. A thing to adore (a door)—The knob. Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he ought to be re-paired. Why are fowls gluttonous creatures? Because they take a peck at every mouthful. A big mis-take—Marrying a fat girl. The most valuable prize—Enterprise. Cannibalism—Feeding a baby with its pap. Back-yards—The trains of ladies’ dresses. Coquettes are the quacks of love. Something to lie about—A bed. A dangerous man—One who takes life cheerfully. A slow match—A couple that marries after twenty years’ courtship. Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds. Who was it that first introduced salt provisions? Noah, for he took Ham into the ark. Short-sighted policy—Wearing spectacles. A lightning-rod is attractive, in its way. “This cheese is about right,” said John; and Jane replied that it was, if mite makes right. What is an artist to do when he is out of canvas? He should draw on his imagination. A professor of petrifaction has appeared in Paris. He has an ’art of stone. “Ah!” said she to her diamonds, “you dear little things!” After all, a doctor’s diploma is but an M. D. honor. The desire to go somewhere in hot weather is only equaled by the desire to get back again. Lay up something for a rainy day, if it is nothing more than the rheumatism. The man who waxes strong every day—The shoemaker. To change dark hair to sandy—Go into the surf after a storm. A melancholy reflection—The top of a bald head in a looking-glass. In what age was gum-arabic introduced? In the mucilage. Always cut off in its prime—An interest coupon. The farmer’s favorite vest—The harvest. A hallo mockery—The echo. Rifle clubs—Gangs of pickpockets. The Turkish position—Cross-legged. High time—That kept by a town clock. A home-spun dress—The skin. Appropriate name for a cold beauty—Al-ice. Toned paper—Sheet of music. Food for fighters—Pitch-in pie. Something always on hand—Your thumb. When a man attains the age of ninety years, he may be termed XC-dingly old. When iron has been exposed to fogs, it is apt to be mist-rusted. A “head gardener”—A maker of artificial flowers for ladies’ hair. A weather prophet says: “Perspiration never rains. It simply pores.” The spots on the sun do not begin to create such a disturbance as do the freckles on the daughter. Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly polished, but very hollow. A capital thing—Cash. Stakeholders—Butchers. A great composer—Sleep. A senses taker—Whisky. All play—Musician’s work. How to “serve” a dinner—Eat it. A “light” employment—Candle making. Another new reading—Man proposes, woman accepts. “Necessity knows no law.” Well, necessity is like a great many lawyers. The civil service—Opening the door for anybody. Touching incident—A physician feeling a patient’s pulse. Maxim for the lazy—No man can plow a field by turning it over in his mind. Nature saw the bicycle in the dim future when she created a bow-legged man. A black tie—A colored wife. An unpalatable dish—Cold shoulder. First ’bus in America—Columbus. A kid-napping case—A cradle. Disagreeable and impertinent—Ruin staring one in the face. This language of ours! A widow only resolves on a second marriage when she re-link-wishes it. Why is a woman who has four sons, all sailors, like a year?—Because she has four sea-sons. He sighed for the wings of a dove, but had no idea that the legs were much better eating. What kind of a loan is surest to “raise the wind?”—A cyclone. The great composer—Chloroform. Foot notes—Shoemakers’ bills. A narrow escape—The chimney flue. Best climate for a toper—The temperate zone. An attached couple—A pair of oyster-shells. What is the best thing out yet for real comfort?—An aching tooth. Two souls with but a single thought—Two boys climbing over an orchard fence, with a bull-dog in pursuit. Kindred evils—Poor relations. A matter of course—A horse race. Only a question of time—Asking the hour. “Stirring” times—Morning hours. Free of charge—An empty gun. Passage of arms—Sleeves. A good name for a bill-collector—Dunham. A drop of the crater—Lava. Does it take more miles to make a land league than it does a water league? All the year round—The earth. A trained animal—The “iron horse.” Stands to reason—A debator who won’t sit down. The best remedy for a man who is spell-bound—A dictionary. The rations on which a poet’s brain is fed—Inspirations. A good thing to be fast—a button. Hardware—The friction on a schoolboy’s knees. What was the most honest bet ever made? The alpha-bet. A bad habit—A seedy coat. Sweet home—A bee-hive. Pressed for time—Mummies. Land agitation—An earthquake. Held for further hearing—The ear-trumpet. What is the difference between a fixed star and a meteor? One is a son, the other is a darter. When trains are telescoped, the poor passengers see stars. How to keep yourself dry? Eat freely of red herrings and salt beef, and don’t drink. Why is it dangerous to take a walk in the woods in spring? Because then the trees are shooting. Why is a man on horseback like difficulties overcome? Because he is Sir-mounted (surmounted). Why is a vocalist singing incorrectly like a forger of bad notes? Because he is uttering false notes. Why is your night-cap when on your head like a giblet pie? Because it contains a goose’s head. Why are two laughing girls like the wings of a chicken? Because they have a merry thought between them. When are a very short and a very tall judge both the same height? When they are judges of assize (a size). Why is a thoughtful man like a mirror? Because he reflects. Why is a pig with a twisted tail like the ghost in Hamlet? Because it can a tail (tale) unfold. Why is a Turk like a violin belonging to an inn? Because he is an infidel (inn fiddle). Why am I the most peculiar person in the company? Because I am the querist (queerest). Why is a blundering writer like an arbiter in a dispute? Because he writes (rights) wrong. Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it is the grub that makes the butterfly. A good side-show—A pretty cheek. If a pair of spectacles could speak, what ancient historian would they name?—Eusebius (you see by us). Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nine minutes past twelve?—Because he is just ready to strike one. Why is a shoe-maker like a true lover?—Because he is faithful to the last. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy?—Because there are three scruples to a dram. In what respect were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different as light from darkness?—The one was governed by deys (days), the other by knights (nights). When is a fowl’s neck like a bell?—When it is wrung (rung). When is a man thinner than a lath?—When he is a-shaving. When is a soldier like a baby?—When he is in arms. Why is a small musk-melon like a horse?—Because it makes a mango (man go). Why is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even bargain?—Because he has nothing to boot. Why do bishops become wags when promoted to the highest office in the church? Because they become arch-bishops. Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck. Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes. Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo (woe). Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for getting (forgetting). Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? Because he is crusty. Where did the executioner of Charles I. dine, and what did he take? He took a chop at the King’s Head. Why is Kossuth like an Irishman’s quarrel? Because he is a patriot (Pat riot). Why is Ireland like a sealed bottle of champagne? Because there is a Cork in it. Why is an uncut leg of bacon like Hamlet in his soliloquy? Because it is ham let alone (Hamlet alone). Why should taking the proper quantity of medicine make you sleepy? Because you take a dose. Why is a pack of cards containing only fifty-one, sent home, as perfect as a pack of fifty-two sent home? Because they are in complete (in-complete). Why is a good constitution like a money-box? Because its full value becomes known when it is broken. Why is a flatterer like a microscope? Because he magnifies small things. Why is a key like a prison? Because it is full of wards. Why is a talkative young man like a young pig? Because he is likely to become a bore (boar). Why is a city being destroyed like another being built? Because it is being razed (raised). Why is a fit of coughing like the falls of Niagara? Because it is a catarrh-act (cataract). If Tom owes Bob money and gives him a blow in the eye, why is that a satisfactory settlement? Because he gives his mark in black and white, a note of hand, and paid at sight. Why are your lips always at variance? Because words are frequently passing between them. Why is a butcher’s cart like his boots? Because he carries his calves there. Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man? Because he is above doing a bad action. Why are bachelors like natives of Ceylon? Because they are single he’s (Cingalese). When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight. What constellation most resembles an empty fire-place? The Great Bear (grate bare). Why is a sick Jew like a diamond ring? Because he is a Jew ill (jewel). Why are Irishmen like the Pope? Because they make bulls. Why is a toll-collector at a bridge like a Jew? Because he keeps the pass-over (Passover). What class of people bears a name meaning “I can’t improve?” Mendicants (Mend I can’t). Why is the Commander-in-chief like a broker? Because he is a Commission-agent. Why is an irritable man like an unskillful doctor? Because he is apt to lose his patience (patients). When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled. Why is a village cobbler like a parson? Because he attends to the soles (souls) of the people. When may a country gentleman’s property be said to consist of feathers? When his estates are all entails (hen tails). Why are certain Members’ speeches in the Times like a brick wall? Because nobody can get through them. Why is a man searching for the philosopher’s stone like Neptune? Because he is a-seeking (a sea king) what never existed. Why is the Premier like an alchemist? Because he turns one of his friends into a gold-stick. Why is a theological student like a merchant? Because he studies the prophets (profits). Why does a dog’s tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it. Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil one? Because, when he sells fish, he gives sauce. Why are coopers like musical composers? Because they make use of staves. Why is Mrs. Caudle like a locomotive engine? Because she is always on the rail. Why is a partner in a joint-stock concern like a plowman? Because he is a share-holder. Why should a speculator use a high stiffener for his cravat? Because he would be sure of a rise in his stock. Why is a gypsy’s tent like a beacon on the coast? Because it is a light-house. Why were the English victories in the Punjaub nothing to boast of? Because they were over Sikh (sick) armies. Why are Cashmere shawls like persons totally deaf? Because you cannot make them here (hear). Why is a ship just arrived in port like a lady eagerly desiring to go to America? Because she is hankering after a voyage. Why may the Commissioners for Metropolitan Improvements never be expected to speak the truth? Because with them mend-a-city (mendacity) is a duty. When is a ball not a ball? When it is snowball (no ball). Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn or Rossini? Because it is one of the greatest composers of modern times. Why is a sword that is too brittle like an ill-natured and passionate man? Because it is snappish and ill-tempered. Why are steamboat explosions like short-hand writers leaving the House of Commons? Because they go off with reports. Why is the profession of a barrister not only legal, but religious? Because it involves a knowledge of law, and a love of the profits (prophets). Why ought a superstitious person to be necessarily temperate? Because he is afraid of spirits. Why are the Commissioners of Stamps and Taxes like sailors at sea? Because they are a-board. How is a successful gambler always an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways. Why should the ghost in Hamlet have been liable to the window-tax? Because he had glazed eyes. Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he is an ass. Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy (a neddy). When would a bed make the best hunting ground?—When it is made anew for rest (a new forest). Why are the labors of a translator likely to excite disgust? Because they produce a version (aversion). Why is steam power in a locomotive like the goods lading a ship? Because it makes the car go (cargo). Why was Grimaldi like a glass of good brandy and water? Because he was a tumbler of first-rate spirit. Why is a man in jail and wishing to be out like a leaky boat? Because he requires bailing (baling) out. Why is a congreve box without the matches superior to any other box? Because it is matchless. Why was Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, laughed at by the Greeks? Because they said he cut a pretty figure. Why are hot-house plants like drunkards? Because they have so many glasses over and above. Why may a professor without students be said to be the most attentive of all teachers? Because he has only two pupils and they are always in his eye. When is a maiden most chaste (chased). When she is most run after. Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent. Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English and French? Because they were all lies (allies). Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate. Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the understanding of his patrons. Why is a very commonplace female a wonderful woman? Because she is an extra-ordinary one. Why is a man not prepared to pay his acceptance when due like a pigeon without food? Because he has not provided for his bill. Why is a plum-pudding like a logical sermon? Because it is full of raisins (reasons). Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence is only infancy (in fancy). Why is a ticket-porter like a thief? Because he takes other people’s property. When a horse speaks, why does he do so always in the negative? Because he neighs (nays). Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? Because it is deceased (diseased). Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer (tale-bearer). Why is it impossible that there should be one best horse on a race-course? Because you will always find a better (bettor) there. Why is my place of business like a baker’s oven? Because I make my bread there. When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes. When is a book like a prisoner in the States of Barbary? When it is bound in Morocco. Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer on natural philosophy? Because he is an ex-plainer. Why are those who quiz ladies’ bustles very slanderous persons? Because they talk of them behind their backs. Why is a gardener better paid than any other tradesman? Because he has most celery (salary). Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? Because she is a Bet in place (betting-place). Why is a most persevering admirer of a coquette like an article she carries in her pocket? Because he is her hanker-chief (handkerchief). Why is a torch like the ring of a chain? Because it is a link. Why is a handsome and fascinating lady like a slice of bread? Because she is often toasted. Why does a Quaker resemble a fresh and sprightly horse? Because he is full of nays (neighs). Why are men who lose by the failure of a bank like Macbeth? Because each has his bank-woe (Banquo). Why is a row between Orangemen and Ribbonmen like a saddle? Because there’s a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides. Why is a prosy story-teller like the Thames Tunnel? Because he is a great bore. Why should well-fed M. P.s object to triennial parliaments? Because it puts them on short commons. Why are ladies so fond of officers? Because every lady likes a good offer, sir (officer). When is the music at a party most like a ship in distress? When it sets the pumps agoing. Why is your first-born child like a legal deed? Because it is all-engrossing. Why is a hackney coachman like a conscientious man? Because he has an inward check on his outward action. Why is a milkwoman who never sells whey the most independent person in the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one. Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise? Because he hollows. When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress. Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands before its face. Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can’t stand alone. Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought it was a good opening for a young man. Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a mull of it. Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the Rolls. Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point. Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought. Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he is learning. Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done. Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he is a Pat rolling (patrolling). Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a high post. Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph? Because he beats time. Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they are all numbered. Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he fumes. Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because he is turning locks. Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes. Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves. Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there. How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread). Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she carries fire-locks. Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it scatters the sparks and transports the mails (males). Why is a man’s mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it extends from ear to ear (year to year). Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches (breeches). Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they are only slightly connected. How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear). Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the keys. Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours (ours). Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night till morning. Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in the mouth. When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it’s a bad one. On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day. What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it. Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no end. What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A wedding-ring. Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (K)nell. Why does a young lady prefer her mother’s fortune to her father’s? Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony. Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she seams (seems). Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them. What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper. What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without ’is shoes. Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day? Because he’s confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey. You name me once, and I am famed For deeds of noble daring; You name me twice, and I am found In savage customs sharing? Tar-tar. What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack (cossack). Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops. The wind howled, and the heaving sea Touched the clouds, then backward rolled; And the ship strove most wondrously, With ten feet water in her hold. The night is darkened, and my first No sailor’s eye could see. And ere the day should dawn again, Where might the sailor be? Before the rising of the sun The ship lay on the strand, And silent was the minute-gun That signaled to the land. The crew my second had secured, And they all knelt down to pray, And on their upturned faces fell The early beam of day. The howling of the wind had ceased, And smooth the waters ran, And beautiful appeared my whole To cheer the heart of man. Land-scape. What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off. What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen and the other steals it. Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until their works are “hung on the line.” A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten; the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two; and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples. Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn’t answer. There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many remain? None; for—unless they are idiots—they fly away! Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive! What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse! What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a boiled carrot. What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)! I wander when the night is dark, I tread forbidden ground; I rouse the house-dog’s sullen bark, And o’er the world am found. My victims fill the gloomy jail, And to the gallows speed; Though in the dark, with visage pale, I do unlawful deed, There is an eye o’erwatching me, A law I disobey; And what I gain I faster lose, When Justice owns its sway. Though sometimes I accumulate A fortune soon, and vast— A beggar at the good man’s gate, My pupil stands at last. Dishonesty. My first is irrational, My second is rational, My third mechanical, My whole scientific? Horse-man-ship. Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course. What is most like a horse’s foot? A mare’s. Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence). What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret window under the same circumstances. A word there is five syllables contains; Take one away—not one of them remains! Mo-no-syllable. If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them. What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She weighs anchor. When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping. When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross. Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit. Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs. Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the keys. Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the profit. When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder. Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes. Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes. Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours (ours). Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul (fowl) proceeding. Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night till morning. Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always advances with a bow. Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads and an application. Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there’s a spring inside of it. Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo (woe). Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for getting (forgetting). Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage ceremony? Because they are joiners. Why is it easy to break into an old man’s house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few. Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers? Because there would be no seers. Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they are always on the strike for wages. Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the more he takes in, the more he tucks out. Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence; when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a brick. What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a laborer? The one gets a great deal of “otium cum dig.,” the latter a great deal of dig without otium. Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it’s only intended for working-people. An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet, Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate; And when he set off running, an Irishman was he, Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree? Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant! Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because it’s not currant. You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense. When you go for ten cents’ worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do you want them for? For ten cents. Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove brought the green back to Noah. What was the difference between Noah’s ark and Joan of Arc? One was made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans. There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine! Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim) only! What’s that? what’s that? Oh, I shall faint, Call, call the priest to lay it! Transpose it, and to king and saint, And great and good you pay it? Spectre; respect. Complete I betoken the presence of death, Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath; But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange, Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change? Corpse; corps. Ere Adam was, my early days began; I ape each creature, and resemble man; I gently creep o’er tops of tender grass, Nor leave the least impression where I pass; Touch me you may, but I can ne’er be felt, Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt. Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night You’ll quickly find me out by candlelight? Shadow. Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can’t make it out. Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees). What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A bald head. What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless. Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they die late (dilate). A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, “My age is what you do in everything—excel” (XL). My first I do, and my second—when I say you are my whole—I do not? Love-lie (lovely). What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox. Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was first in the human race. Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don’t care A dam if you do. When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she’d Adam (had’em)! What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. Why was Herodias’ daughter the fastest girl mentioned in the New Testament? Because she got a-head of John the Baptist on a charger. When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be! What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A hole in her stocking! Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he’s an airy-naught (aeronaut). Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody! Why is the flight of an eagle also a most unpleasant sight to witness? Because it’s an eye-sore (’igh soar)! Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out. Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane. And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why—wait till he flew off. Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time. Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because it’s easier to preach than to practice. Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook. My first doth affliction denote, Which my second is destined to feel, But my whole is the sure antidote That affliction to soothe and to heal. Wo-man. What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam. Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill—ill—skill. What’s the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the honey, the other gets all the whacks! Where did the Witch of Endor live—and end-her days? At Endor! What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the other used to put a cask (casque) on his head! Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax’d him whether he would or no! My first if ’tis lost, music’s not worth a straw; My second’s most graceful (?) in old age or law, Not to mention divines; but my whole cares for neither, Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather. Ear-wig! Which of Pio Nino’s cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with the largest head, of course. What composer’s name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi). Spell enemy in three letters! No, it’s not N M E; you’re wrong; try again; it’s F O E! Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y. Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V. Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne). When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T (empty). What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a word of two syllables? Plague; ague. Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits. How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n! What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not once in a thousand years? The letter M. Three letters three rivers proclaim; Three letters an ode give to fame; Three letters an attribute name; Three letters a compliment claim. Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel! Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S and T, because we always hear of La Richesse and La Pauvrete. Why is A like twelve o’clock? You know, middle of day. Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first in pity, he is always last in help. Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it’s Nero (near O). The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The beginning of every end, The end of every race? Letter E. Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad. Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in earth and water. What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron). If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed. Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so long as the middle finger. Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees—beasts were created before men. What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail! Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the hammer must be paid for—on the nail! What’s the difference between “living in marble halls” and aboard ship? In the former you have “vassals and serfs at your side,” and in (what the Greeks call thalatta) the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side! When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast. What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence. Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When it is anti-funny (antiphony). If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a notion). Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head. The night was dark, the night was damp; St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp: The Fiend dropped in to make a call, As he posted away to a fancy ball; And “Can’t I find,” said the Father of Lies, “Some present a saint may not despise?” Wine he brought him, such as yet Was ne’er on Pontiff’s table set: Weary and faint was the holy man, But he crossed with a cross the tempter’s can, And saw, ere my first to his parched lip came, That it was red with liquid flame. Jewels he showed him—many a gem Fit for a Sultan’s diadem: Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite; But he told his beads with all his might; And instead of my second so rich and rare, A pinch of worthless dust lay there. A lady at last he handed in, With a bright black eye and a fair white skin; The stern ascetic flung, ’tis said, A ponderous missal at her head; She vanished away; and what a smell Of my whole, she left in the hermit’s cell! Brim-stone. Why is a man looking for the philosopher’s stone like Neptune? Because he’s a sea-king what never was! Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming! Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a gate). What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face and runs down its own works! When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down! What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch. When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful attention? The tender part. What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs. Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the Taglioni’s legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni’s (lex talionis). When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is “tight.” My first is what mortals ought to do; My second is what mortals have done; My whole is the result of my first. Love-err (lover). Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it’s all powder and puff! Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he’s eat out of house and home. Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can’t enjoy them without crackers. Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him father. Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist. Why are ladies’ dresses about the waist like a political meeting? Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than necessary. Why is a young lady’s bustle like an historical tale? Because it’s a fiction founded on fact. What game does a lady’s bustle resemble? Back-gammon. Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she hears much stress laid on “Grace before meat!” Why are women’s corsets the greatest speculators in the bills of mortality? Because they contract—to kill. A stranger comes from foreign shores, Perchance to seek relief; Curtail him, and you find his tail Unworthy of belief; Curtailed again, you recognize An old Egyptian chief. Alien—A lie—Ali. From a number that’s odd cut off the head, it then will even be; its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you’ll see. Seven—even—Eve. What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half? Half-penny! Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four). What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, the other—makes corns ache. Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique (blows so bleak). What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold, in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this eau, we’ll have some eau-d-v. How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast. What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to “scuttle” the ship if the air was coal’d. What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just ten gallons) of brandy. Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all the ten commandments at once. Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made light of. Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o’ fins). When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away. Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes. Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of it. Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other goes. When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the woods—and plains. We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter’s tools is coffee-like? An ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used. When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases. How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile. Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of flash language. Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post. What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong. O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The Inn-experienced. Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and plates, and steaks (stakes). What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one. Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them the faster they go. What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight? Mutton from Cowes. Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on his stomach. What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust. When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it. When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it. When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when fold-ed. Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-’orses (tortoises). I am forever, yet was never. Eternity. Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers. Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because he can only be par-boiled. What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy. Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware. Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6. Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX—cross the I, it makes XX. My first of anything is half, My second is complete; And so remains until once more My first and second meet. Semi-circle. Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it’s meant to keep the chaps off! Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith’s apron? Because they keep the sparks off! Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun! Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you unbuzz-em (unbosom)! Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a hole in your ticket? To let you pass through. What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The door-knocker. How many cows’ tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston, upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long enough. What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous, civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form. What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday of his life. When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists). What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The road. Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it’s always drawn with the drag-on. When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest. Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never see two of them together. What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and you will get a vial in (violin). What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained? A good appetite. When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her to the bank. What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose the stops, the other stops the dose. What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor’s bill? A draft. What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze. Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring? Because he does it in his leap (his sleep). Why are ladies—whether sleeping on sofas or not—like hinges? Because they are things to a door (adore). Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a hinge-awry (injury)! What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther. Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it’s always wood (would)—or should be. There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn’t cut it enough the first time. Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is painted. Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under the lashes. Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs. Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want carrying out. Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters and I still continue unchanged. The postman. Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the age of discretion. Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it’s an internal transport. Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall. O’Donoghue came to the hermit’s cell; He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell; “I have ridden,” said he, “with the saint to dine On his richest meal and his reddest wine.” The hermit hastened my first to fill With water from the limpid rill; And “drink,” quoth he, of the “juice, brave knight, Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight.” The hermit hastened my second to spread With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread; And “taste,” quoth he, “of the cates, fair guest, Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest.” Hasty and hungry the chief explored My whole with the point of his ready sword, And found, as yielded the latch and lock, A pasty of game and a flagon of hock. Cup-board. When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil. Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one is of the canine (canin’), the other of the feline (feelin’) species. Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig, hanging from a hook? Because he’s a pork-reacher (poor creature). Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a hoister (oyster). Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging. Why is the hangman’s noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it’s hemp-tie (empty). Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means of support. My first is a thing, though not very bewitchin’, Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen; My second’s a song, which, though a strange thing, No one person living could ever yet sing; My whole is a man, who’s a place in the City, But the last of his race you’d apply to for pity? Jack Catch! Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback. Why is a four-quart jug like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a gall-on. How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their “presents of mind” by “giving you a bit of it!” How is it you can never tell a lady’s real hysterics from her sham ones? Because, in either case, it’s a feint (faint). When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears). When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him. What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac; for then he could have a new one every year. When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. What, as milliners say, is “the sweetest thing in bonnets?” A lady’s two-lips. There is a noun of plural number, Foe to peace and tranquil slumber; But add to it the letter s, And—wond’rous metamorphosis— Plural is plural now no more, And sweet what bitter was before? Cares—caress. If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice, ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the operation? She wouldn’t want any Spectators, nor Observers, but plenty of Times. Look in the papers, I’m sure to appear; Look in the oven, perhaps I am there; Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame, Sometimes I extinguish—now, reader, my name? Puff. If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want? Muzzlin’ (muslin). When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole is part of a lady’s dress? Rib-band. Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is ’listed, trained, has tendrils, and then shoots. Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets paid for so doing? If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals come to? To ashes. What part of a lady’s dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don’t mean hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).] Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he is always on the strike for wages. What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One makes fac similes, the other sick families. Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and never wants any. What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feeling, the other is felt. One of the most “wide-awake” people we ever heard of was a “one-eyed beggar,” who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend’s two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it’s seldom seen after Lent. Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week. Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she daily wrings men’s bosoms. Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch soft water when it rains hard. Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it; But those who are in, entirely are out of it. Sane—insane. When is a man more than one man? When he’s one beside himself. What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body. What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn’t! Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not even passable. How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0—total, 10. What is the superlative of temper? Tempest? What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)! Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens’—the immortal Dickens’—last book? Because it’s a cereal (serial) work. If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens—Howitt—Burns. When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson’s? When it’s in a garden (“Enoch Arden”)! What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only? Watt’s Tupper’s Wordsworth (what’s Tupper’s words worth)? Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is cut down, the other cut up! How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired his coarse-hair (corsair) so much! Why ought Shakespeare’s dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because they contain Much Ado About Nothing. Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller. Why are apples like printers’ types? Because they are often in pi(e). How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his choler (collar) down! How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior. What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could “recite” his poems, but not resight himself! Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians had their “Scalds,” we have also had our Burns! If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaw-sir (Chaucer)! Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles, and thrives. If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most certainly against his inclination. What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? “My Bark is on the Sea.” What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found. What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog’s tail? “After you!” What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? “I hope I give satisfaction.” What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell. I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night, A sentinel’s signal that all is not right. I am not a swallow, yet skim o’er the wave; I am not a doctor, yet patients I save; When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree, It finds a protector henceforward in me? Bark! Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark. Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two tonics (Teutonics). My first is a prop, my second’s a prop, and my whole is a prop? A foot-stool. My first I hope you are, My second I see you are, My whole I know you are. Wel-come. My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus. What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole on). Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it’s a bad habit. What’s the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is in prison at the latter’s suit? He’s let him in, and he won’t let him out. When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every day. You don’t know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to say you don’t? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end, where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the hole, to be sure. What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles—the other dips! What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow (Masaniello). Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? Daylight. Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios? Because of them easels (the measles) which are there. Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter’s studio as hot as an oven? Because it is there he makes his bread. Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another. Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure. What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and waistcoat first. Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because he went about with his queer ass (cuirass). In what tongue did Balaam’s donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic (Hebraic). If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived? Because you act the part of a donkey to bail ’em (Balaam). Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it’s a new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone). I am white, and I’m brown; I am large, and I’m small; Male and female I am, and yet that’s not all— I’ve a head without brains, and a mouth without wit; I can stand without legs, but I never can sit. Although I’ve no mind, I am false and I’m true, Can be faithful and constant to time and to you; I am praised and I’m blamed for faults not my own, But I feel both as little as if I were stone. A bust. When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces and—and—busts! Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a female hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher’s toe (Stowe). Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? ’Cos it am de-basin’ (debasing)! When my first is my last, like a Protean elf, Will black become white, and a part of yourself? Ebon—bone. Why is a short negro like a lady’s light-blue organdy muslin dress, when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a Monday hop? Because he’s not at-all black! Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he’s a negro-man-sir (necromancer). Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons. What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper. [Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were married, he looked in the “news of the weak!”] When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews. Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants? Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living. ECHOES.What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write. What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System. What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light. What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace. Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations. Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire. Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they do (right) write. Ever eating, ever cloying, Never finding full repast, All devouring, all destroying, Till it eats the world at last? Fire. What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. When is a sailor not a sailor? When he’s a-board. If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is it like a sick man? Because it is in firm. Why is the steeple of St. Paul’s church like Ireland? Because there is a bell fast (Belfast) in it. Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows). What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright. Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling). Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they are always for-getting everything. Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune! Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars invariably run over sleepers. Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because they always manage to accomplish their own ends. Why are the “blue devils” like muffins? Because they are both fancy bred (bread). What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to its remains! Why should the “evil one” make a good husband? Because the deuce can never be-tray! Why is money often moist? Because it’s frequently dew (due) in the morning, and mist (missed) at night. What part of a lady’s face in January is like a celebrated fur? Chin-chilly! What’s the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other—unfortunately for our boots—mucks silk. What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind. What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some left? The word whole-some. Complete, you’ll own, I commonly am seen On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean; On ribbons gay I court your admiration, But yet I’m oft a cause for much vexation To those on whom I make a strong impression; The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression; Curtail me, I become a slender shred, And ’tis what I do before I go to bed, But an excursion am without my head; Again complete me, next take off my head, Then will be seen a savory dish instead; Again behead me, and, without dissection, I’m what your fruit is when in full perfection; Curtailed—the verb to tear appears quite plain; Take head and tail off,—I alone remain. Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I. Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if necessary. Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time. And what do they do when they die? Lie still. When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance. What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for the deed. Those who have me do not wish for me; Those who have me do not wish to lose me; Those who gain me have me no longer; Law-suit. If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client tells him to “go to the d——l,” where does the clerk go? Straight back to the lawyer. Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur À Dieu? Non, car il faut qu’il dise, Adieu honneur. Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it hollow. What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies’ dresses, A.D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains. When is sugar like a pig’s tooth? When in a hog’s head. If you met a pig in tears, what animal’s name might you mention to it? Pork you pine. The proverb says, “One swallow does not make Spring;” when is the proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one spring, we should be glad to hear what does. How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run? Ten-dons! What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap! Enigma guessers, tell me what I am. I’ve been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb— You all possess me, and in every street In varied shape and form with me you’ll meet; With Christians I am never single known, Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone. I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve, And went with her, when she, alas! did leave. To Britain with Caractacus I came, And made Augustus CÆsar known to fame. The lover gives me on his wedding-day, The poet writes me in his natal lay; The father always gives me to each son, It matters not if he has twelve or one; But has he daughters?—then ’tis plainly shown That I to them am seldom but a loan. Name. What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more than yourself? Your name. What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. What’s the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship’s chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel. Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does not go on after it is wound up! When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up in himself. Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it’s topers’ (topaz) color. What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course! What should a man’s wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender, nicely dressed, and with—“mint” sauce! Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is born to blubber! What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen. Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he’s chicken-hearted! What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and chops about. Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it’s a matter of a-pinion (opinion)! What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure; the other plays at leisure. Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be in fowl (foul) language! What is the difference between a chicken who can’t hold its head up and seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week. Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living. Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it’s a place of haughty culture (horticulture)! Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their lives! Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can’t make them here (hear)! Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost upon him! What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down! Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it increases. It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he took Ham into the Ark. Who was the first man? Chap. I.—mentioned in Genesis. Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell’s Life, and Joshua countermanded the Sun. Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In the Ark. What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a brush and comb between them. Some one mentioning that “columba” was the Latin for a “dove,” it gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa. What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He took a fresh one. What’s the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus? One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer. What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn’t matter how big he is—bigger the better? Skin him. I was before man, I am over his doom, And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom. In my garments the whole Creation I hold, And these garments no being but God can unfold. Look upward to heaven I baffle your view, Look into the sea and your sight I undo. Look back to the Past—I appear like a power, That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour. Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal. Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines, Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines; Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space, And the moon why it follows the earth in its race; And each object my name to your query shall give, And ask you again why you happened to live. The world to disclose me pays terrible cost, Yet, when I’m revealed, I’m instantly lost. Mystery. Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he’s a Jew-ill (jewel). Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he’s a Jew de spree (jeu d’esprit). What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings. Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don’t cut each other, but only what comes between them. Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground. Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats there. What poem of Hood’s resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of size (sighs). Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it’s an inward check on the outward man. I seldom speak, but in my sleep; I never cry, but sometimes weep; Chameleon-like, I live on air, And dust to me is dainty fare? The nose. What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he takes? The snuffers. Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are continually passing between them. Why is the nose on your face like the v in “civility?” Because it’s between two eyes. Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise. What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to you? Noise. What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose. When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa’s chair The young people tumultuously came; “Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa,” they cried; “An enigma, or some pretty game.” “You shall have an enigma—a puzzling one, too,” Said the old man, with fun in his eye; “You all know it well; it is found in this room; Now, see who’ll be first to reply:”
What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look (Mameluke). What’s the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy dairies (higher dromedaries). Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the water. What’s the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up. I’ve led the powerful to deeds of ill, And to the good have given determined will. In battle-fields my flag has been outspread, Amid grave senators my followers tread. A thousand obstacles impede my upward way, A thousand voices to my claim say, “Nay;” For none by me have e’er been urged along, But envy follow’d them and breath’d a tale of wrong. Yet struggling upward, striving still to be Worshiped by millions—by the bond and free; I’ve fought my way, and on the hills of Fame, The trumpet’s blast pronounced the loud acclaim. When by the judgment of the world I’ve been Hurl’d from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen, And I have found the garland o’er my head Too frail to live—my home was with the dead. Ambition. Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don’t know it; you can’t guess it. Why?—because he was—Kean after Charles. What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One bayonets—the other nets a bay. Ladies who wish the married state to gain, May learn a lesson from this brief charade; And proud are we to think our humble muse May in such vital matters give them aid. The Lady B—— (we must omit the name) Was tall in stature and advanced in years, And leading long a solitary life Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears. At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old, But not too old to match the Lady B——, Feeling his life monotonous and cold, Proposed to her that they should wedded be. Proposed, and was accepted—need we say? Even the wedding-day and dress were named; And gossips’ tongues had conn’d the matter o’er— Some praised the union, others strongly blamed. The Lady B——, whose features were my first, Was well endowed with beauties that are rare, Well read, well spoken—had, indeed, a mind With which few of the sex called tender can compare. But the old bachelor had all the ways Of one grown fidgety in solitude; And he at once in matters not his own Began unseemly and untimely to intrude. What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain! When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom. Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the more they are with them! If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four letters of the alphabet? Because it’s soapy cure (it’s o-p-q-r)! What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An ’ack who’s sure (accoucheur)! My father was a slippery lad, and died ’fore I was born, My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form. I always lived by sucking, I ne’er ate any bread, I wasn’t good for anything till after I was dead. They bang’d and they whang’d me, they turned me outside in, They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin. When I grew old and crazy—was quite worn out and thin, They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again. And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher, To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher. Flax. Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces the ears for the sake of ornament! What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken? Pieces! Why is an old man’s head like a song “executed” (murdered) by an indifferent singer? Because it’s often terribly bawled (bald)! What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after dinner? A different one. Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses into classes. If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott’s would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel. Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him! John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side of him, of course. Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its nap’s) awful. My first is my second and my whole. Pa-pa. How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only miss givings. Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he’s a tracked-hairy-un (tractarian). Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up! What’s the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g’riller. Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and full of nonsense. My first, loud chattering, through the air, Bounded ’mid tree-tops high, Then saw his image mirror’d, where My second murmured by. Taking it for a friend, he strayed T’wards where the stream did roll, And was the sort of fool that’s made The first day of my whole. Ape-ril (1). What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel. Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, “That’s impossible.” What was Joan of Arc made of? She was—we have every reason to believe—Maid of Orleans! Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course! When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to another! I paint without colors, I fly without wings, I people the air with most fanciful things; I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard, And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word. The past and the present together I bring, The distant and near gather under my wing. Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight, Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night; And those who would find me, must find me, indeed, As this picture they scan, and this poesy read. Imagination. A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything else has; what is it? A name. What vegetable does a lady’s tongue resemble? The scarlet runner! Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique party to a scarlet runner! What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured! Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.” Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse. ’Twas winter, and some merry boys To their comrades beckoned, And forth they ran with laughing tongues, And much enjoyed my second. And as the sport was followed up, There rose a gladsome burst, When lucklessly amid their group One fell upon my first. There is with those of larger growth A winter of the soul, And when they fall, too oft, alas! They evidence my whole. Back-slide. Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam’s palanquin nothing whatever to do with the subject? Because it’s her elephant (irrelevant). What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages). What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox—ox. Why is an elephant’s head different from any other head? Because if you cut his head off his body, you don’t take it from the trunk. Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs. Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two sides. When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other. Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps. Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm. What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold? In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose. Who are generally most sick of children? The people who “bring them up.” Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them. What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in life? The fact that it both begins and ends with—an earse (a nurse). What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourne! Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us (Venus). What great astronomer is like Venus’s chariot? Her-shell (Herschell). Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a goddess? Because she’s a second Floorer (Flora). If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa). How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans). What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of Hercules? The one that is—Nessus-hairy! To be said to your inamorata, your lady love: What’s the difference between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer! When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). Why was Pharaoh’s daughter like a broker? Because she got a little prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank. Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the result of conviction. What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold! Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to every one he meets. How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated! Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not (Juggernaut). What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A watch-you-may-call-it! What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper? One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch. You eat it, you drink it, deny who can; It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man? A toast. When is it difficult to get one’s watch out of one’s pocket? When it’s (s)ticking there. What does a salmon breeder do to that fish’s ova? He makes an egg-salmon-nation of them. Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova (over) before it comes to life. Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? Because he’s no better. My first may be to a lady a comfort or a bore, My second, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door. My whole will be a welcome guest Where tea and tattle yield their zest. Muff-in. What’s the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment? At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he finds his stable for his horses. Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell-fish. Through thy short and shadowy span I am with thee, child of man; With thee still from first to last, In pain and pleasure, feast and fast, At thy cradle and thy death, Thine earliest wail and dying breath, Seek thou not to shun or save, On the earth or in the grave; The worm and I, the worm and I, In the grave together lie. The letter A. If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name should you address him? Nap-holy-un. Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he remembers Ham, and when he cut it. When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it was built for one sovereign—and finished for another. Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is ever surrounded by Paris-ites. What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles (Themistocles). Why is an expensive widow—pshaw!—pensive widow we mean—like the letter X? Because she is never in-consolable! What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue. Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because it’s a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue. ’Twas Christmas-time, and my nice first (Well suited to the season) Had been well served, and well enjoyed— Of course I mean in reason. And then a game of merry sort My second made full many do; One player, nimbler than the rest, Caught sometimes one and sometimes two. She was a merry, laughing wench, And to the sport gave life and soul; Though maiden dames, and older folk, Declared her manners were my whole. Flip-pant. What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? “It’s a vane thing to aspire.” Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word? Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married; solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married. Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest. Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate, On a prancing steed rode he; He was my first of large estate, And he went the Lady Ellen to see. The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years, And a goodly wife proved she; She’d a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl, And they sported upon their mother’s knee. At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his dear departed? When he re-wives! What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery? “Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!” Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because—oh, dear! oh, dear!—it’s the dear departed! [THE END.] |
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