I NOW heard from my wife in answer to my last letter, in which I urged her to make such arrangements for the safety and management of our property in Victoria and Melbourne as might enable her at once to return to England, and so join me. Her answer was full of good sense, saying she could not make up her mind to trust any one she knew with the entire care and management of our property; that the risk and chances of loss were too great for her to take the whole responsibility of appointing any one to act for us, and therefore, however sad our continued separation must be to us both, she considered it wise and prudent to remain where she was till she heard further from me; and I could not but concur in the wisdom of this opinion.

Having long and well considered our relative situations and the discomforts and distress which we must endure by a continued separation, I now began for the first time to think seriously about retiring from the service by the sale of my commission, and returning to my family in Australia for the rest of my life. These were serious and most trying thoughts, and not to be carried out in a hurry. To think of leaving my dear regiment for ever, and the service, to which no man was ever more devoted, and in which I had spent nearly the whole of my life, was most agonizing, and I could scarcely endure it.

At last we marched to Dover, and on the way I got into conversation with Major Petit, then the senior major of the regiment and the first for purchase. After much friendly talk I hinted to him that I would not mind retiring if I was offered a good price above the regulations. At once he asked me how much I would expect. I did not then give him any answer beyond saying I would think about it. I did think about it again and again, but I could not make up my mind, not that I hesitated about the additional sum I would ask, but about going or not going. This was towards the end of August, and I was then called on by a very dear friend, Captain Dodd, who told me he was requested by Colonel Petit and the next officers in succession for purchase to ask if I really had serious thoughts of retiring, and, if so, what additional sum I would expect. I told Captain Dodd that I had thought about it, but could not make up my mind. As I have said, he was a dear friend of mine, and we now talked long on the subject, which ended by his telling me he thought he could get them to make an additional sum of fifteen hundred pounds above the regulation. Finally I promised to make up my mind and give my final decision in a few days.

This fearful state of suspense and anxiety began to disturb my general health, and it became so bad that I could not attend parade or even leave my rooms. The surgeon attended me all this time, and recommended me to go on leave of absence, as I required a change, and it would certainly do me good. I was granted two months’ sick-leave, and I promised Colonel Petit that he should have my final and positive answer in a week. In ten days’ time I was really quite resigned when I saw myself gazetted out of the service, and my friend Petit and the others promoted in succession. This was a relief and great satisfaction to me, as it at once removed the anxiety I felt about them, for I sometimes doubted whether the succession and promotion would go in the regiment. A few days more brought me a letter from Colonel Petit informing me that he had instructed our agents, Messrs. Cox & Co., to place fifteen hundred pounds (beyond the regulation) to my credit, these sums making in all six thousand pounds for my commission, and so ended (on the 28th of September, 1848) my services as a soldier.

The die was cast, the deed was done and could not be recalled, and I was indeed utterly unhappy and miserable. For forty-three years I had served my Sovereign faithfully. My whole mind and heart were devoted to my profession. I had risked my health and life in several countries and in battlefields often and often, and these memoirs show the extent of favour and success which repeatedly attended my humble endeavours. All that was now left to me was the fond remembrance of the past and the conviction that I had still, and ever would have, the heart of a soldier, and I hoped to be able to pass the remainder of my eventful life in peace and thankfulness with my dear wife and children. I must here mention such was the state of my health at this time that I had great fear that I should not live long enough to see them. But God was good and more merciful to me than I deserved; for His mercy not only restored me to them in due time, but He has granted me ever since to this day many, many of the most happy, and I may also say most healthy, years of my long life, and I am indeed thankful.