G. A. T. Allan

IS LOWERED at least once during each chapter in accordance with instructions from the Ministry of Wealth shortly to be established.

You will not, however, be invited to invest your savings, as by that time you will not have any.

Therefore, now, while the cash is hot in your pocket (or your stocking), take a stroll down Ludgate Hill, and see other and more useful Curtains (and Carpets, too).

Might Sir William Treloar be described as a “Carpet Knight”? No, he is a Baronet; and though there may be scions of many a genealogical tree higher there is only one Treloar.

TOM, TOM, THE PIPER’S SON

1 A Peaceful farmyard in Macedonia. A herd of swine is collecting pearls in silk purses. Swine are more precious in the Balkans than good women.

2 Thomas, the Greek, arrives. He is not a Jew. He despises jewellery and loves pork. He steals a pig. (Inset, the squeal thereof.)

3 Thomas retires to a shady nook and consumes the pig. He regrets it. So does the pig. Crackling is heard.

4 Tom’s father, with his pipe. Pipe goes out. Father goes in. (This is a striking scene.)

5 Thomas descends the street roaring. He is in real pain. Mumm is not the word.

6 Action for assault and barratry, Thomas v. Pater. Judge rules that plaintiff has saved his bacon, and defendant is let off with a fine for being accessory after the fat.

OLD KING COLE

1 Exterior view of Royal Palace. Interior of same—Dining Hall, Piping Room, Bowling Alley, Fiddling Saloon. Queen Cole’s allotment. (Inset, a few vegetables grown by the Princess Anthracite.)

2 The King calls for his pipe. No reply. Boy in street is heard calling “Paiper.” Exit the King to buy one.

3 The King calls for his bowl. No reply. He takes from adjacent peg his bowler, which he dons.

4 The King calls for his three fiddlers. No reply. Eventually enter three fiddles with low bows. The King picks one up, and begins to play. Many dogs come about him, and sit around howling.

5 A crowd arrives, kneeling, and praying him to desist. Not having a crown on, the King borrows half-a-crown from each member of the congregation. This is apt to confound a fellow kneeling, so they rise.

6 The King thus assisting them to rise is hailed as King Borwick I., afterwards altered, on better acquaintance, to King Borrowit.

7 Having the fiddlers hanged on lamp-posts leads to misprision of trees on the green. But the King can do no wrong. He goes to write, and is left alone.

TAFFY WAS A WELSHMAN

1 Mountain scenery in Wales. Cricket at Criccieth. Stoolball at Llyngwllws.

2 Taffy at school, stealing marbles from playmates, while they steal a march on him. The Welsh Marches.

3 Taffy arrives at my house, and makes guarded enquiries as to location of larder. His questions parried. We retire to sleep.

4 Next morning. Taffy missing. Leg of beef ditto. I go to Taffy’s residence, and find him in bed. Only available ornament in bedroom, Bones, Marrow, 1. This I hurl at his head, and make tracks.

5 Applying at Police Station for protection against Taffy’s murderous intentions, I am examined as to causes precedent. It is suggested that legs of beef are unusual joints to purchase at 1s. 8d. a week. Dislike the suggestion, and propose to walk out in dudgeon.

6 Dudgeon aforesaid discounted by slipping on banana-skin. Uncontrollable Food Controller accuses me of hoarding food. I refer him to Taffy, but he has hidden the goods in a teacup labelled “Bullo.”

7 Chorus of Welsh bards, “Alas! my poor brother.”