1 The building of the Wall. A strike. A settlement.

2 Humpty Dumpty arrives, and after several ineffectual attempts to climb, rolls up to the top, where he seats himself.

3 A gust of wind blows him off, dislodging one brick. He falls. He breaks.

4 He pulls himself together. He has some pull.

5 He applies for summons against Balbus, builder of the wall, for contributory negligence. To which Balbus replies with a cross-summons for trespass and nuisance.

6 Humpty Dumpty is asked his age. 23. Nuisance held to be proved. Nasal organs likewise held. Judge willing to grant injunction, but thinks con-junction would be more useful after such a dis-junction.

7 King’s Proctor intervenes with statement of Royal interest in plaintiff. Very old friend of family. Elicited that squadron of cavalry had been sent out to assist.

8 Humpty Dumpty discharged with yellow stains on clothing. Balbus bound over not to break the pieces.

SIMPLE SIMON

1 The Pieman makes the pies. Ingredients carefully concealed. The Pieman’s crest: Bacillus Botulorum rampantibus.

2 S. Simon starts off for his unwilling walk, and meets Pieman. His mouth waters. He is penniless. His eyes water. He is hankeyless. His nose waters.

3 He accosts the Pieman, who respectfully asks to be allowed a private view of the colour of his money. No money forthcomes.

4 A passing policeman arrests S. Simon for attempting to obtain goods under false pretences.

5 The case is heard. Pies produced. Pies heard. Magistrate orders Court to be cleared and sterilized.

6 Adjourned sitting. Simple Simon is proved to be an undischarged bankrupt. Discharged accordingly. Pieman bound over to keep the pies. He pleads for mercy.

7 The Pieman’s nightmare. Procession of dogs, cats, horses, and rats, headed by the Pied Piper. The Pieman’s coat-of-arms: On a field sanguinary semÉe de Melton Mowbray proper, a microbe vert, armed cap-À-pie.

SEE-SAW, MARGERY DAW

1 Miss Margery Daw’s home in Thibet. Her boudoir. With inimitable nonchalance she lights a cigarette. She turns pale. She dies. She disappears from history.

2 Interior of See-saw factory in Honolulu. Visitor sees see-saws. He sees saws. He sees saucy girls. He sees sore hands. A class is being instructed on the distribution of weight. He waits and sees.

3 Jenny at work with the weight and see-saw. The foreman arrives and recriminates. Jenny responds in kind, unkindly. Foreman retires hurt.

4 Slave market at Jamaica. Jenny on sale, labelled “Slow.” Wealthy Turk is successfully sold, and buys her, being partial to sloe jin. Together they execute a Turkish trot. (Inset, a Turkish execution.)

5 Jenny in her new master’s harem. (Censored.)

6 Jennina out walking, clothed in voluminous tarboosh. Her glad eye. She is faster than was thought. Her master catches her eye, intended for a Young Turk, and throws it back.

7 Night. Darkness. Exterior of Harem. A sack descends, falling into river with long, dull, lingering splash.

DING DONG BELL

1 A large bell rings itself. Grandsire Triples. Its grandsire doubles.

2 A well is dug. Well, well!

3 J. Green, a very small boy, throws a dead cat into the well. It bobs.

4 T. Stout, another very small boy, sits fishing on the edge of the well. After some hours he pulls out aforesaid cat. Cat goes (or should go) into the hunt.

5 The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals invokes the majesty of the law (which is a hass), and attempts to crush J. Green, Ætat 7. (Inset, Johnny’s sister feeding Johnny’s chicken.)

6 The Royal Humane Society awards Medal and Certificate to T. Stout, who is much moved. (Inset, Tommy’s mother getting Tommy’s tea.)

7 The galled jade winces, and the large bell is unrung in Stedman Triples instead.

CURLY-LOCKS

1 Curly-Locks and Another washing dishes. Tender passages. The passages become dark. Another penny is placed in gas-meter.

2 Twenty years later. C. Locks sues unnamed defendant for Breach of Promise. Many letters are put in and read.

3 First letter:—

Her reply:—“Is this a definitive offer?”

4 Next letter:—

Her answer:—

5 The Jury disagree. They return to Court and ask Judge if plaintiff may be directed to raise her veil. (Sensation in Court.) She does so. Judge faints. Jury retire hastily.

6 Verdict unanimously for defendant, with a rider to the effect that he has had a lucky escape. Plaintiff fined 1s. 3d. for malicious persecution, and recommended to have mercy on all men by keeping visor lowered.

DOCTOR FOSTER

1 Mountain scenery in Gloucestershire. Rain falls. Curtain falls.

2 Foster, the medical student, in his laboratory, cultivating bacteria, surrounded by stills, alembics, crucibles, etc. His retorts uncourteous when bitten by tame streptococcus. (Inset, his pet blue-eyed staphylococcus begging for gelatine.)

3 Secretary of State for War arrives with his Staff. Foster seizes the staff, which forthwith blossoms. He is invited to accept a Commission. He demands 12½ per cent.

4 Selection Committee at War Office doubt Foster’s skill. He produces pocket-knife and amputates Serjeant-Major’s leg. He amputates both his own arms. He is accepted, and gazetted Major-General.

5 Proceeding to Gloucester in charge of Ambulance Column, he is caught in above-mentioned rain. He steps out of his Daimler into a puddle. He sinks to the waist. He is hauled out with improvised crane. He resolves not to revisit Gloucester.

6 Being quite armless, he is allowed to indict District Council for illegal detention.

7 Judge remarks that “he who comes into Equity must come with clean hands.” As General Foster has no hands, and as they would be dirty if he had, case is dismissed, and he is struck off the Rolls-Royce.

THE MAN IN THE MOON

1 Tycho Brahe in his observatory. His telescope (by Dollond) brings the Moon so close that the Man therefrom slides down the barrel. Tycho is astonied some.

2 The checking of chronometers—(Inset, the Pagoda at Kew)—shows that the visitor, travelling by summer time, has arrived too early. He asks for Ordnance map of Norfolk. T. Brahe replies “Sur-vey victis.”

3 The Man from Moon journeys southwards. He arrives at Pampeluna, his cousin. He is hospitably entertained with pease porridge.

4 Porridge being made from O T meal, he burns his mouth. He does the obvious, remarking that some fools would have kept it in. The gentility of his bringing up is questioned. Sic transit.

5 He is called to the Bar. He orders a split soda. His cousin runs out. He is run in, for treatment which is not of the nature and quality demanded. One pussyfoot makes one rude.

6 Ascending in a paravane, he is assumed, as a balloonatic, to be incapable of managing his affairs, with costs on the High Court Scale, and the custody of the weights thereunto belonging. The Man in the Moon is deceitful upon the weights. He is altogether lighter than alimony.