A garden. My aunt. She meets the gardener, who introduces his aunt to her. My mother and father arrive with the gardener’s mother and father. They mutually interrogate regarding the localization of a missing pen. They divide up into search parties, chanting “Where is the pen of the gardener’s aunt?” Alas! if only there were an answer, it would lead to the next question, “Where is my Chardenal?”

Latin

Enter Mr. Pickford (not Mary’s father), bearing a large table in six cases. The consignee removes all the cases, and the table is declined. A Lord walks across the screen. He looks like a War Lord. He is declined. A Boy and a Master come in. The boy deprives the Master of his e’es. They go out together botanizing, and find consonant stems; and here endeth the lesson.

Italian

Un leone and Una. Una feels il. The doctor asks what is the matter. Uno, she says, and takes Eno. She gets lo, but pluralizes with gli. So do i. Enter Dante dreaming of Rossetti. He meets Beatrice (when on Holliday) and thinks it a divine comedy, till he finds she doesn’t cary.

German

A dachshund across the screen walked has. A butcher him met has. He a sausage becomes, and the customers the rine watch. C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas lager.

Greek

Delos, Samos, and the Wooden one, disputing as to Homer’s birthplace. The Swan of Avon (follow me, Leda!) claims to have laid two eggs which produced the Dove of Peace and a Homer pigeon. Pi. Eta. Internal irregularities. The middle voice. The temporal augment, 100 per cent., or the perfect reduplication. Mu. Kata. On the tiles. The Attic dialect, heard when alpha beta. O Phi.

Hebrew

Aleph ben Jonson enters very very softly. He is of no value as a vocalist. His bosom friend, Ayin, makes the sound of a subdued and home-sick calf. Together they irregularize many verbs, and play havoc with vowels. They juggle with pronominal suffixes, but, being true Israelites without guile, they make something out of it. Their children play in the talmud and chew targum.

Arabic

The screen is far to sheik, and the auditorium becomes a desert. The pianist plays “The camels are coming,” and Mahmoud el Ibrahim, who has been badly jehad, is placed as an alko ran. Arrival of Kismet at Mecca. The magic Carpet. The Bashaw of ten tails. The cat of nine ditto. Gum Arabic. Chewing ditto. Shaking the spearmint.

Shorthand

A pitman duploying to the left in fours. He encounters a grammalogue, from which, after a bloody struggle, he removes the vowels. He takes the third place, and crosses the line. He continues to march forward with sinuous curves, making a sharp angle round Amen corner.

Chinese

Confucius at home. He invents pictureless Kinematographs and featureless films. He calls on Ming, who has but Wun Lung. Go Hang, says Ming. This causes confucion. So he returns to Ping Pong.

Russian

Vodka, disguised as a Bolshevik, is in love with Popoffski. In Siberia they hunt the wily samovar. They find a Russian toffee mine, and thereout suck they no small advantage. They come to Pskoff, but remain at Prague; and live happily until Vodka climbs up the Lenin Poland falls off.

Assyrian

Sennacherib folded up like a wolf. He unfolds, and his cuneiform is seen to be that of a man-headed lion. His pal Assurbani meets him in his chariot, arrow drawn to head. They conjugate the permansive of Ittanafal, and recite the numerals as far as ninety-nineveh.

Spanish

Onions. Chestnuts. Sancho Panza and his servantes. A Don approaches on a mule, slowly. Sancho sizes him up as a keen sahib, and enquires “Quien sabe?” They play matador, pompadour, and toreador. The dago is then shown another door, and a bull-fight ensues. When will the day go?

Hindustani

The plains, with hilly tails. Jubbul, pore fellow, attends the Delhi Durbar in Sanskrit character, but finds it difficult to keep his place. As his character must change with his position, he is hard put to it. Slinging the bat. Pawning the rooty. The Towers of Silence. Bukhing up to pass the Parsees. Pas par ici À Paris. Suttee. Sikh itur ad astrachan. Nepaul plus ultramarine.