1 The Audience. This is often deaf, and as often wishes it were. It pays large money for uncomfortable seats, smoke-laden atmosphere, and peppermint scenery. It also pays an entertainment tax, and wonders why it is so called. The front seats applaud the dashing hero, and are surprised at his coldness, forgetting that he can’t hear, oh!

2 The Names of the Players. These are perhaps more important than the audience, and involve the expenditure of much fine gold to determine whether Artie Applin is Artie Applin’s name or a pseudonymous inexactitude appropriated to the corporation financing the undertaking. The answer is in the negative, usually.

3 The Palace. Of this there are two kinds. First, the disused theatre, known as De Luxe, on the lucus a non lucendo principle, it being steeped in quintessence of Cimmerian gloom and warmed by diminutive red lights marked Exit. The other kind is the disused barn, known as the Gem; of which the brilliance is all outside, and the inside reminds one of the apocalyptic sardine stone.

4 The Machine and Operator. These are two hands with but a single handle, which is turned, but which does not produce the music above referred to. The Operator is a skilled labourer. His work consists in lighting the lamp, fixing the film, and turning the handle. This last is very difficult to perform properly: for not only does the operator have to keep time to the music above referred to, but he must be most careful that the villain does not get caught before his pursuers arrive, and that none of the characters escape from the screen.

5 The Film. Everyone knows what a film is and how the photographs are taken, so it is unnecessary to say anything on this point. It may not, however, be generally known that all films are transparent in varying degrees, and that the picture which appears on the screen is caused by the light from the lantern passing through, or being obstructed by, the film. That which is dark on the film thus becomes dark on the screen, and that which is light on the screen is represented by that which is light on the film. This throws a great deal of light on things otherwise dark. The apparent movement of the players is produced by the turning of the before-mentioned handle.

6 The Leading Lady’s Smile. This elusive abstraction is part of the stock-in-trade of the management. Its cost to the lady is merely the trouble to contract certain risible muscles, but the contract itself is more precious than rubies. The rippling smile of golden corn is as nothing to the golden smile of a rippling actress. It cuts ice. It are the goods. It is IT some.