From Tuesday, September 6, to Thursday, September 8, 1709.

Juv., Sat. I. 85, 86.

Will's Coffee-house, September 7.

I came hither this evening, and expected nothing else but mutual congratulations in the company on the late victory; but found our room, which one would have hoped to have seen full of good humour and alacrity upon so glorious an occasion, full of sour animals, inquiring into the action, in doubt of what had happened, and fearful of the success of their countrymen. It is natural to believe easily what we wish heartily; and a certain rule, that they are not friends to a glad occasion, who speak all they can against the truth of it; who end their argument against our happiness, that they wish it otherwise. When I came into the room, a gentleman was declaiming; "If," says he, "we have so great and complete a victory, why have we not the names of the prisoners? Why is not an exact relation of the conduct of our generals laid before the world? Why do we not know where or whom to applaud? If we are victorious, why do we not give an account of our captives and our slain? But we are to be satisfied with general notices we are conquerors, and to believe it so. Sure this is approving the despotic way of treating the world, which we pretend to fight against, if we sit down satisfied with such contradictory accounts, which have the words of triumph, but do not bear the spirit of it." I whispered Mr. Greenhat Pray what can that dissatisfied man be?" "He is," answered he, "a character you have not yet perhaps observed. You have heard of battle-painters, have mentioned a battle-poet; but this is a battle-critic. He is a fellow that lives in a government so gentle, that though it sees him an enemy, suffers his malice because they know his impotence. He is to examine the weight of an advantage before the company will allow it." Greenhat was going on in his explanation, when Sir George England thought fit to take up the discourse in the following manner:

"Gentlemen, the action you are in so great doubt to approve of, is greater than ever has been performed in any age; and the value of it I observe from your dissatisfaction: for battle-critics are like all others; you are the more offended, the more you ought to be, and are convinced you ought to be, pleased. Had this engagement happened in the time of the old Romans, and such things been acted in their service, there would not be a foot of the wood which was pierced but had been consecrated to some deity, or made memorable by the death of him who expired in it for the sake of his country. It had on some monument at the entrance been said, 'Here the Duke of Argyle drew his sword, and said, March. Here Webb, after having an accomplished fame for gallantry, exposed himself like a common soldier. Here Rivet, who was wounded at the beginning of the day, and carried off as dead, returned to the field, and received his death.'[108] Medals had been struck for our general's behaviour when he first came into the plain. Here was the fury of the action, and here the hero stood as fearless as if invulnerable. Such certainly had been the cares of that state for their own honour, and in gratitude to their heroic subjects. But the wood entrenched, the plain made more impassable than the wood, and all the difficulties opposed to the most gallant army and most intrepid leaders that ever the sun shone upon, are treated by the talk of some in this room as objections to the merit of our general and our army; but," continued he, "I leave all the examination of this matter, and a proper discourse on our sense of public actions, to my friend Mr. Bickerstaff, who may let beaus and gamesters rest, till he has examined into the reasons of men's being malcontents in the only nation that suffers professed enemies to breathe in open air."

From my own Apartment, Sept. 7.

The following letters are sent to me from relations; and though I do not know who and who are intended, I publish them. I have only written nonsense if there is nothing in them; and done a good action if they alarm any heedless men against the fraternity of the knights whom the Greeks call ??s?a??.[109]

"Mr. Bickerstaff,

"It is taken very ill by several gentlemen here, that you are so little vigilant as to let the dogs run from their kennels to this place. Had you done your duty, we should have had notice of their arrival; but the sharpers are now become so formidable here, that they have divided themselves into nobles and commons. Beau Bogg, beau Pert, Rake, and Tallboy are of their upper house; broken captains, ignorant attorneys, and such other bankrupts from industrious professions, compose their lower order. Among these two sets of men, there happened here lately some unhappy differences: Squire Humphry came down among us with four hundred guineas. His raw appearance, and certain signals in the good-natured muscles of Humphry's countenance, alarmed the societies. For sharpers are as skilful as beggars in physiognomy, and know as well where to hope for plunder, as the others to ask for alms. Pert was the man exactly fitted for taking with Humphry as a fine gentleman; for a raw fool is ever enamoured with his contrary, a coxcomb; and a coxcomb is what the booby, who wants experience, and is unused to company, regards as the first of men. He ever looks at him with envy, and would certainly be such, if he were not oppressed by his rusticity or bashfulness. There arose an entire friendship by this sympathy between Pert and Humphry, which ended in stripping the latter. We now could see this forlorn youth for some days moneyless, without sword, and one day without his hat, and with secret melancholy pining for his snuff-box; the jest of the whole town, but most of those who robbed him. At last fresh bills came down, when immediately their countenances cleared up, ancient kindnesses and familiarity renewed, and to dinner he was invited by the fraternity. You are to know, that while he was in his days of solitude, a commoner who was excluded from his share of the prey, had whispered the squire, that he was bit, and cautioned him of venturing again. However, hopes of recovering his snuff-box, which was given him by his aunt, made him fall to play after dinner; yet mindful of what he was told, he saw something that provoked him to tell them they were a company of sharpers. Presently Tallboy fell on him, and being too hard at fisticuffs, drove him out of doors. The valiant Pert followed, and kicked him in his turn; which the squire resented, as being nearer his match; so challenged him: but differing about time and place, friends interposed (for he had still money left) and persuaded him to ask pardon for provoking them to beat him, and they asked his for doing it. The house consulting whence Humphry could have his information, concluded it must be from some malicious commoner; and to be revenged, beau Bogg watched their haunts, and in a shop where some of them were at play with ladies, showed dice which he found, or pretended to find upon them; and declaring how false they were, warned the company to take care who they played with. By his seeming candour, he cleared his reputation at least to fools, and some silly women; but it was still blasted by the squire's story with thinking men: however, he gained a great point by it; for the next day he got the company shut up with himself and fellow-members, and robbed them at discretion.

"I cannot express to you with what indignation I behold the noble spirit of gentlemen degenerated to that of private cut-purses. 'Tis in vain to hope a remedy while so many of the fraternity get and enjoy estates of twenty, thirty, and fifty thousand pounds with impunity, creep into the best conversations, and spread the infectious villainy through the nation, while the lesser rogues, that rob for hunger or nakedness, are sacrificed by the blind, and in this respect partial and defective law. Could you open men's eyes against the occasion of all this, the great corrupter of our manners and morality, the author of more bankrupts than the war, and sure bane of all industry, frugality, and good nature; in a word, of all virtues; I mean, public or private play at cards or dice; how willingly would I contribute my utmost, and possibly send you some memoirs of the lives and politics of some of the fraternity of great figure, that might be of use to you in setting this in a clear light against next session; that all who care for their country or posterity, and see the pernicious effects of such a public vice, may endeavour its destruction by some effectual laws. In concurrence to this good design, I remain,

"Your humble Servant, &c.

"Bath, Aug. 30."

"Mr. Bickerstaff,

Friday, Sept. 2.

"I heartily join with you in your laudable design against the myrmidons, as well as your late insinuations against coxcombs of fire;[110] and I take this opportunity to congratulate you on the success of your labours, which I observed yesterday in one of the hottest firemen in town, who not only affects a soft smile, but was seen to be thrice contradicted without showing any sign of impatience. These, I say, so happy beginnings promise fair, and on this account I rejoice you have undertaken to unkennel the curs; a work of such use that I admire[111] it so long escaped your vigilance; and exhort you, by the concern you have for the good people of England, to pursue your design; and that these vermin may not flatter themselves that they pass undiscovered, I desire you'd acquaint Jack Haughty that the whole secret of his bubbling his friend with the Swiss[112] at the Thatched House is well known, as also his sweetening the knight; and I shall acknowledge the favour.

"Your most humble Servant, &c."